archive

0021: BOURDAIN: Alright so tell me what this is. CITIZEN: This is apple pie.… 0022: Bourdain: Wow. This meat is so tender and juicy. Falls right off the m… 0023: Wow, this extract from Wolff's book is a shocking insight into Tru… 0024: nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: moon's haun… 0025: a QT of a microscopic image of human sweat which looks curiously like… 0026: Joker: I'm smoking that GAS Batman Batman (tied to a chair): Joker… 0028: Two kinds of stories i just assume are fake until proven otherwise: St… 0029: Wyoming Freedom Caucus member allegedly admitted that "he drinks… 0030: your honor i have adhd and beer is the only thing that lets me focus o… 0031: dreamed I went to see a movie based on the Iliad and when the ocean ap… 0032: @normal_now Hate when a podcast host goes on a tangent then says &quot… 0033: Barry Lyndon sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! ~Intermission~ Barry Lynd… 0034: twitter trends: rest in peace, dracula 0035: CNN ANCHOR: this is NOT the america any of us signed up for. we'll… 0036: its fast fashion to You. im wearing a forever21 sweater i got during t… 0037: the simple fact of the matter is that those of us who committed every… 0038: when i randomly remember one of my shirts i haven't seen in a whil… 0039: "This bad boy can fit so many oats" I slap the thoroughbred… 0040: I love that Slow Horses is mainly one spy who strategically makes hims… 0041: . landlords should not exist except as a mean nickname sailors call us 0042: Aug 26, 2019 This afternoon, I tweeted a brief joke about a well-known… 0043: I understand tht a very popular personality to perform rn is like &quo… 0044: I am beyond blessed to inhabit the Earth at the same time as the moose… 0045: Reginald "So yeah, this is my dog" "Hey there pal! How… 0046: alright everybody stand up for this person to sing a really hard song… 0047: @raxkingisdead I like the whole Gondor/Mordor thing. All cities should… 0048: "Wanna listen to The Band?" "No. I'm just going to… 0049: instagram used to trick ppl into fucking up bc you'd be used to do… 0050: Bluey referenced "mitochondria" and I immediately said to my… 0051: Twitter the only place where well articulated sentences still get misi… 0052: Stan Lee: "So this guy has the powers of a spider. But we need a… 0053: I love watching movies. Very few things I love more than watching movi… 0054: the fact that i'm at risk of seeing a 14 year old's opinion at… 0055: theologians don't want you to know that you can defeat any vice or… 0056: The South had a culture of grotesque cruelty but tolerance for persona… 0057: the pallas cat shows you really don't need to reinvent the wheel t… 0058: my brain tells me that height and age are the same thing and anyone ta… 0059: every time I see an Angels highlight it's like "Mike Trout hi… 0060: I'm not a communist - I'm probably a capitalist but I think th… 0061: Aug 23, 2023 Michael Mann says that his film "Blackhat" was… 0062: When I was in college I saw a fellow student ask my professor for an e… 0063: . ooof the kicker on this New York Times story... (Screenshot of NYT s… 0064: @madjaymilton.bsky.social The jerk store called. They voted 11-3 to un… 0065: Our tour guide in Charleston said we'd passed the last public bath… 0066: . Feb 10 Wordle is boring.... the answer is always either "STURM&… 0067: yeah I’ve got march madness (I am reading Little Women) 0068: trials: fine. not my first choice but ill deal with these tribulations… 0069: Sucks when you try to be world- weary and post "Next year will be… 0070: (this was normal_now ‘s new account) r/adulting So all my dishes are d… 0071: I have only suffered irony partition failure twice in my life. The fir… 0072: VITAMIN WATER: we're like water, but with vitamins ME: which ones… 0073: I just had an idea Cee @_ceee_ (stick figure diagram showing a howling… 0074: there should be a restaurant but just for drinks Aschleighje @aschleig… 0075: every generation deserves at least 5 movies named "Spider Man 2&q… 0076: Lol the same executive at nbc greenlit fear factor and the apprentice,… 0077: (trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink th… 0078: Lol you still live with your parents dude? Move in with me man we got… 0079: i have trained my two fat identical sons to sit outside of my office a… 0080: Logan Roy: So...what's the move on this? Kendall: Well... It's… 0081: "When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept, for there… 0082: INNOCENT US TOURIST IN EU: pardonnez- moi, garcon... une agua, sil voo… 0083: lets see if that Awful Groundhog can predict six weeks of Electro Hous… 0084: Because our dog knows "walk", we started calling them "… 0085: most useless job is the guy who checks IDs at the wilco show 0086: euphoria but it's about chevy chase, jonathan rosenbaum, and the g… 0087: gm to the tiktok lady who said the myth of Sisyphus is about the value… 0088: you will NOT get me to watch The Walking Dead For People Who Still Do… 0089: Following Just once I want to see "Soooo many animals harmed in t… 0090: If that's your girl why is she in my historic downtown reading my… 0091: Harry Styles thinks of himself as being next in the lineage of great B… 0092: Krysten Sinema is the type of person who would wear a wedding dress to… 0093: supreme court decides 6-3 to tell the teacher he forgot to assign us h… 0094: nice leitmotif bro. would be a shame if it reprised at a slower tempo… 0095: I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder. 0096: Al Swearengen: And by what strange presence am I currently so fucking… 0097: My favourite bit of Marvel films is where you sit through nine minutes… 0098: there's a kid annoying his exhausted mother in the row next to me… 0099: Here are all the kinds of documentaries: • Animal friends • Some weird… 0100: HEADLINE: Lydia Tár conducted a monster hunter show and we have a few… 0101: Turn ons: leaving my mysterious past behind and living a simple life a… 0102: if wizards had vans it would be funny if they painted like dentists on… 0103: Hi @U2 big fan. I notice that your guitarist uses a lot of unresolved… 0104: I don't wanna brag, but Antiques Roadshow is brought to you in par… 0105: tinker tailor soldier spy, you ain't got no alibi gatling gun kell… 0106: can't stop thinking about the person on here who said that jordan… 0107: zero bad bitches hitting my line this week..mercury must be in gatorad… 0108: Do what you love for a living, and the only "work" you'l… 0109: sometimes it feels like buying just one little gadget will cure all yo… 0110: ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake? ME DURING BR… 0111: i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i'm never gon… 0112: Elephant I am going to have SEX tonight! RicksCEO.eth @RicksCEO. Alone… 0113: I was questioning this guy I thought was a mob boss but then he smiled… 0114: some girls really think if they start a sentence with "hey bestie… 0115: Finding all your old Twitter follows here is very fun, like it's F… 0116: @doulbedoink Eli film opinion: While critics were quick to shower &quo… 0117: @capybaroness got one in the wild (Screenshots of two tweets in a row… 0118: My closest encounter with the mafia is I went to a starkly empty pizza… 0119: i know it in my heart i could never catch the road runner. but i have… 0120: (waking up in strange unfamiliar place, hands covered in blood) Please… 0121: Few things more painful that watching someone tell people something fu… 0122: The way people say "It's just business" after doing some… 0123: *Burt Lancaster on episode of "Hot Ones" taking a bite of Da… 0124: hey man im sorry if we got off on the wrong foot. why don't you ju… 0125: Imagine Dragons' job is to come up with music that will get your c… 0126: For a small fee, I will go to your enemy's writing workshop and sa… 0127: every day on here I see New Yorkers tweeting about how they're goi… 0128: i'm not falling for that hot take. that's clearly someone with… 0129: No one has satisfactorily answered the fundamental question of why I s… 0130: Canseco I am and will always be just simply a basball player,my tomb s… 0131: To my wife: twitter isn't damaging my brain To myself: I could twe… 0132: This is not a scientific assessment, just an idle speculation, and ple… 0133: my cat figured out how the fridge works and now he's turnt on fres… 0134: [every assassin's creed game] NPC: hello it is i, your best friend… 0135: . 6h Seeing Multiverse of Madness a day after Everything Everywhere Al… 0136: Jokes our soccer ref didn't show up so one of the moms on our team… 0137: [guy with 8 followers makes fun of my tweet] Homie wants to ball huh..… 0138: One of the greatest owns in history (Screenshot of book excerpt) A mem… 0139: I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells a… 0140: if somone cooks your goose, thats it. youre basically fucked 0141: i been hacked all my tulips worthless. dutch east india company please… 0142: Out here living my best life. (Photo of zendaya posing at pool with To… 0143: 26th birthday, drunk and throwing up into a cvs bag: lol I'll neve… 0144: oh no! a document leak will completely undermine the public's fait… 0145: my boss denied me a raise before my shift today. what's some music… 0146: i just wanna be an account who writes "needed this today" ov… 0147: making my way through the evil dead movies for the first time. the 3rd… 0148: Love the argument that we can't have rights because we have a deep… 0149: makes sense that JD Vance won. He's annoying the way Senators are… 0150: @asantesinferno i love that when british people sing they cut out all… 0151: batman: *buys catwoman a drink* catwoman: *slowly pushes drink off the… 0152: Starting to realize that Elon Musk is a megachurch pastor for atheists 0153: Future? End of tweet TGB @twitersbadboy Party's over some social m… 0154: @James_Caan Not Ray (breaking heart emoji) epicly divorced... @boner_p… 0155: what's the best email you've ever received? i'll go first… 0156: We're just three MCs and our beats are sick (Screenshot of twitter… 0157: mm$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 1:16 AM 6/11/12 Twitter for BlackBerry® 0158: Elon Musk is no longer the richest person in the world i bless the rai… 0159: John Waters needs to direct the George Santos biopic 0160: Dying laughing that the rebrand is from "HBO Max" to "M… 0161: *If Dorothy was a guy* All of Oz: Follow the Yellow Br-- Dorothy: *chu… 0162: (Screenshot) The Washington Post Guest opinions My father, Henry Kissi… 0163: How long before TikTok gets Big Bopper-pilled? Zoomers lip-syncing &qu… 0164: wes anderson being from houston and cormac mccarthy being from provide… 0165: Nobody will remember: -Your salary - Your fancy title - How 'busy&… 0166: Bobby Oppenheimer get your country ass over here my momma says you bee… 0167: Remembering a girl I used to work with who didn't believe in dinos… 0168: I don't think Al should be used to make content...BUT...if there w… 0169: KOKO: Koko birkin bag. Practical Koko possession bag RESEARCHER: No, K… 0170: Jordan Peterson: When a ghost says, "boo!" it is BEYOND alar… 0171: This was the same day that beer was made legal again at the end of pro… 0172: For everyone visiting their parents this week: LG tvs call it TrueMoti… 0173: Escola Okay, I'm getting pretty damn sick of being asked, so here… 0174: in Italy. Janet Gaynor was a liar and a virgin, a deadly combination!… 0175: ... cupcakes, turnovers, and even fudge. I didn't stop eating for… 0176: … “Thank you, captain obvious, I replied. It got a big laugh from ever… 0177: (Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third mov… 0178: As a scholar of Herman Melville I strongly believe our next VP should… 0179: "Yeah I was raised in the south but I don't have an accent&qu… 0180: Not sure why I thought of this but Eugene Levy's line in WAITING F… 0181: CNN: Donald Trump panicking, faces life in prison trump at rally: mari… 0182: when mother takes you to see the sail ships and she is in fine humour… 0183: To Catch 22, one must think like a 22. But to know how to think like a… 0184: It's Prince's birthday This is my favourite story about him by… 0185: @jesawyer this part was crazy tho (Guy Pearce and Russell Crowe at the… 0186: I think the one bit in Regular Show where Rigby demands a waiter bring… 0187: whenever you reply "420 baby" to a promoted tweet you're… 0188: i can't wait to take my kid to a baseball game "daddy what&#3… 0189: hwatevah one mahht say for Lee and his ordahs, and this and that milit… 0190: Don and Roger cheating on their wives: rollerskating backwards, shouti… 0191: Girl: (does some sociopathic shit) Her gays: honestly, work 0192: Babe I only posted "where the hoes at" so I can avoid that a… 0193: horror is a genre that forces us confront unsettling and upsetting que… 0194: Every time a rave girl does ketamine a horse has to go into surgery aw… 0195: i feel bad for our country. But this is tremendous content. 0196: In my hometown the only book that schools banned was "The Spread… 0197: Spotify is into NFTs because they bought a bored ape for $100 million 0198: Nothing beats getting home and putting on a vest after a long day of l… 0199: Are we absolutely certain we haven't all died Cnet CNET @CNET. 1d… 0200: @dril im banky. 0201: They don't wanna see a sleepy little player like me tucked in all… 0202: "I was kind of shocked that it was COVID-related," says cous… 0203: me: finally getting eight hours of sleep my neck: yeah but u did it wr… 0204: BOND: I want enough napalm to blow the shit out of a man's ass Q:… 0205: Every journalist: This lil piece is taking forever but it WILL be a ma… 0206: jimmy fallon looks and acts exactly as I would imagine the Devil 0207: . 1d Home made multipurpose liquid (Photo of green goo) John Cogs @Joh… 0208: They look like restauranteurs whose joint got sold off by the Feds for… 0209: Best advice I got in grad school was not to be angry when someone got… 0210: gonna become a soccer guy. tweeting "absolute fucking disgrace” a… 0211: It's increasingly clear that Ellen DeGeneres was an environmentall… 0212: I love Edward Gorey's theory of art: "Art...is presumably abo… 0213: climate change will manifest as a series of disasters viewed through p… 0214: just fried a grilled cheese in lard. your god doesn't scare me. 0215: I don't wanna make a broad generalization but you have to admit it… 0216: @davedittell if you fuck up a meal just call it Chicago style and serv… 0217: BREAKING: France shocked by allegations against beloved editor of Le P… 0218: A relaxing sunday afternoon (Photo of a Dr Pepper and Pappy Van Winkle… 0219: Crazy how 160 years later "As He died to make men holy, let us di… 0220: your 30s are for being in your 20s 0221: i did NOT delete this myself. we are being silenced... MEL Magazine ✔… 0222: Tech enthusiasts: My entire house is smart. Tech workers: The only pie… 0223: It's probably foolish to think a NYC mayor will successfully trans… 0224: dreamed I went to see a movie based on the Iliad and when the ocean ap… 0225: Every time we come back to SV, my 16 yo son gets a massive dose of cog… 0226: marriage should be between a man, a significantly taller man, and the… 0227: how u gonna be on the wrong side of history while it's repeating i… 0228: themichaelcaine Everyone who has published this story has been tricked… 0229: the person who names a thing is often more powerful than the real disc… 0230: Maps. I love them. Love reading them, love planning adventures. Love s… 0231: . guns n' roses only criteria for calling a place "paradise:&… 0232: . 48 YEAR OLD DAD: The rowing team used to go wild to this track befor… 0233: The Hobbit to LOTR pipeline is hilarious in retrospect. It would be li… 0234: the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough 0235: In my best Adam West voice... (Photo of theater marquee) IT ENDS WITH… 0236: In Best in Show when Catherine O'Hara tells Ed Begley Jr. to try h… 0237: Makes me happy to think medieval people owned cats and were probably l… 0238: Class-action lawsuit from Lady Raven fans when they find out she and h… 0239: I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read o… 0240: @markmarklittle Not to boast But I like toast Who am I? The breakfast… 0241: Larry David and Yukio Mishima are two of the best artists whose lives… 0242: i have a two-toast system. one savory, one sweet. one with hummus and… 0243: lost all my weed in a series of small fires 0244: .... 18h (approaching group of 3 or more girls at the supermarket) I s… 0245: @ratlimit @ratlimit Why do sports fans "root for" a certain… 0246: presley_8/22/18 [phone rings] mary kate: olsen & olsen mystery age… 0247: I wasn't born yesterday is such a perfect retort because it lets p… 0248: . 17m Hi there! Just wanted to follow up after my last email. Did it f… 0249: JESUS: Walk with me, lost lamb, and I shall guide you to the love of t… 0250: Dave Chappelle (suddenly getting serious 50 minutes into a special): O… 0251: Adam had a rib removed so someone else could suck his dick 0252: watching king of the hill again. it's full of cartoon characters w… 0253: Penelope Cruz: Enzo!!! Your son is at home!! WHY YOU MAKE A THE CARS G… 0254: Ultra Jul 31, 2022 getting this into the new york times, where kavanau… 0255: I keep thinking "Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?" is… 0256: [Bluto subtweeting after getting his ass whooped] I don't know who… 0257: pro tip: if a man ever wants you to watch one of his boring man movies… 0258: no filmmaker will ever achieve the success of ken burns - having a pre… 0259: me: robot butler, my hands ache. please tweet the following for me: ro… 0260: BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNC… 0261: I love that restaurants used to be called "Dave's Diner"… 0262: *sitting in middle seat on airplane* Person in window seat: excuse me… 0263: dracula (breaking up with you): i vant to see other people 0264: A woman's notes app holds more mystery, intrigue, and truths than… 0265: everybody everywhere loves raymond all at once 0266: The "we're just normal men" clip has humanized the Briti… 0267: a relationship should be 50/50. you take me to the museum and i point… 0268: Not gonna lie bro the hand thats feeding me looks delicious right now 0269: Taking off Thursday cause I have a package arriving 0270: hey baby I hear doubloons a callin eye patches and wooden legs 0271: in the 70s they would say something about sex in a song and then say &… 0272: John Candy is perfectly named; he's a mountainous lollipop of a ma… 0273: boomers will let a guy named Gordon Sumner be called Sting but wont re… 0274: imagine a world where there's like 30 other guys who look exactly… 0275: we need to get rid of the stigma surrounding fooling me once and also… 0276: normalize asking bartenders if they've "heard any rumours lat… 0277: Chris Pine reveals Harry Styles did not spit on him during the premier… 0278: any two comedians over 50 interviewing each other: "when comedy w… 0279: Popular music used to teach people important facts about subjects like… 0280: i will never elaborate because i have no idea what i just said 0281: do you think spielberg was ever like "here's my reel" bu… 0282: video podcasts made an objectively cool thing (neon signs) uncool 0283: i will not be discussing my bug bites. i refuse to give the bugs that… 0284: @Chinchillazilla BRAM STOKER: u ever get so horny for a girl that u ju… 0285: i think there is a lesson here, so i will be leaving and avoiding this… 0286: New decibel scale just dropped (Screenshot of theater marquee) THE QUI… 0287: the moon is the earth's cat 0288: CNN World headline: Great Pacific Garbage Patch now three times the si… 0289: a group of seals is called a ziploc 0290: what if dolly parton and jolene are like jekyll and hyde 0291: If he doesn't love the ocean thats a the sea is the strongest woma… 0292: someone who looks like Steve Carrell would never have been a 40 year o… 0293: just got barked at by a cloud 0294: guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCI… 0295: It's fine to amble slowly through public transit choke points look… 0296: wish you could mark certain songs on spotify as emotional support song… 0297: hosting snl must be like jury duty for celebrities 0298: Newman > I always park next to my best work friend's car becaus… 0299: When I see a character in a cool jacket on tv I scream until that jack… 0300: when you're watching something and a fucked up deer shows up...hoo… 0301: if i was the sesame street vampire i would focus less on numbers and m… 0302: i love that microwaves spin food around a little bit. it tastes better… 0303: *sisyphus on the phone with his parents* yeah i'm actually making… 0304: it was cool when they yanked saddam out of the spider hole becausr i w… 0305: We had a couch delivered yesterday & one of the delivery guys caug… 0306: Oh my God I JUST got that "Tar" is short for conductar 0307: Sometimes I wonder if I spoil the cat, seeing him with his iPad, in hi… 0308: Hey Now You're a Boxcar Full of Children Solve Crimes 0309: god hated job so much he named the worst thing you can have after him 0310: Trying to figure out why you have a headache as an adult is like tryin… 0311: me: I'm unable to stop making jokes doctor: you can't be serio… 0312: Is it just me or do all horses look like they'd talk like Jimmy St… 0313: spielberg waiting 60 years to make a movie about his parents' divo… 0314: For all its destructive effects Airbnb is still the only website where… 0315: (mutual dunking on a guy who's > 90% similar to them and 93% si… 0316: no, archaeologists cannot determine a person's sex purely from the… 0317: One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you… 0318: i wish block buster was still around so i could ask the man behind the… 0319: watching deepfakes of my friends saying nice things about me 0320: You can't defeat Lydia Tár, we know this. A ghost tried to kill he… 0321: the food and drink you consume in a movie theater doesn't really g… 0322: It is INSANE how audiences let Gromble of the Grimble flop, ya'll… 0323: HBO took understanding that people get a little sad on Sunday nights a… 0324: Gradually noticing horribly disfigured Al fingers on all my family mem… 0325: i hated sugar before I understood its deadly role in the Obesity epide… 0326: I "get" Jazz now. The saxophone is telling me to do stuff 0327: < thinking about how good it would feel to be a crab and see 'i… 0328: < When you gain 10k followers you can delete other user's tweet… 0329: Cute grad student: Oops! We bumped into each other and our papers got… 0330: How have they not made a clear iPhone so I can see the chips inside. T… 0331: We need to put a bell on Daniel Day Lewis. He could be anyone! You, me… 0332: the argument for showing up to the airport really early is that i woul… 0333: her: are you even listening to me? me: what a weird way to start a con… 0334: Shazam is the only app that solves an actual problem people ever devel… 0335: < If you're ever in a group that's divvying up tasks and &q… 0336: all im saying is if theyre allowed to beta test self driving cars on o… 0337: Working on a "rotisserie" theory of sleep, in which the body… 0338: Why does showering make my skin dry it's literally water 0339: When you keep seeing Milf Manor spelled out it just starts to read as… 0340: do the french give different names to their pokemon. if they do i thin… 0341: Found a time machine in the woods but I really only use it to send 20-… 0342: there are a lot of songs that use wolf metaphors, and I believe that a… 0343: They taught Al how to talk like a corporate middle manager and thought… 0344: Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO 0345: Whenever a scary movie is freaking me out I try to imagine the snack t… 0346: If it's a banger as you say, then why has it not blown up?! *hurls… 0347: Imagine being told to behave by Austin Powers of all people 0348: it's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence and not… 0349: what I like about hippos being the most dangerous animal in the world:… 0350: I can tell when a movie or show is paused 0351: fuck around and find out? you mean the two things i do on wikipedia? 0352: "I married my best friend," gushed the bride, standing next… 0353: occasional reminder: I don't know who needs to hear this but (Phot… 0354: gordon ramsey: let's have a looking at the walk-in (opens door and… 0355: every friend group has that one guy who says shit like "welcome t… 0356: Coors Lite tastes like if they made beer specifically for toddlers 0357: They should combine all the world's religions into one that's… 0358: Guy who created red wine: You gotta try this stuff out, it'll stai… 0359: no better feeling than when you're searching for the answer to a q… 0360: I'm an ocean micro-plastics accelerationist: I want to be able to… 0361: first date idea: i wash ashore 0362: Most opinions are disposable but if one of them happens to go viral yo… 0363: Very loudly referring to Sonic as "the titular hedgehog" on… 0364: I love how every CBS Sunday morning segment is like "...but at 78… 0365: if u stay off twitter for a day u miss everything, if u stay off twitt… 0366: We went from "golden age of prestige tv" to "please str… 0367: Steve Balls, American A24 director: I'm really influenced by inter… 0368: everytime i look at a clock i'm like "there's no fucking… 0369: Reading Crime and Punishment and alternating between shaking my head a… 0370: In Super Mario World, Mario has a halo after a Game Over, implying he… 0371: do u think my therapist is ever like man i hope it is a gossip day tod… 0372: saw a tiktok of a woman saying she falls asleep at night by picturing… 0373: were you surprised to see me, gaming in the bathtub?? i am a man of in… 0374: the saddest thing is when you visit a city that's not new york or… 0375: 1978: Willie Nelson releases "Mamas Dont Let Your Babies (Grow Up… 0376: scallions are the difference between a depression meal and a rustic pe… 0377: CHIEF: dracula is in our sights. Take the shot! SNIPER: I can't, S… 0378: Do you wanna have sex hot dog style or hamburger style 0379: (training someone at work) Me: you gotta clock out here when you'r… 0380: (Me lying about having read Don Quixote) it's very quixotic 0381: just saw a kid in petsmart with his hands and face pressed against an… 0382: my ancestors never dreamed of having this many tabs open at once 0383: Millennial: I have depression Zoomer: I have depression Lost Generatio… 0384: behind every gay person is a gayer, more evil gay person 0385: Son, your mom and I are no longer mutuals 0386: I think the movie PATERSON really connected with me because the extent… 0387: bob dylan from 1965 to 1970 is so wild he invented the whole idea of b… 0388: @goth600 @goth600 There is a giant orb in the sky that you are not all… 0389: If you're in bed, STAY IN BED 0390: Muppets Take Manhattan, Coalition Troops Retreat To The Bronx 0391: My son got a face tat. Go ahead and bottle feed, it doesn't matter… 0392: My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can&#… 0393: Guy who's only seen sardines in the wild commenting on a wide-open… 0394: doctor: drugs have destroyed your body me: you should see the other gu… 0395: THROUGHOUT LITTLE WOMEN WE COULD HEAR TROS IN THE THEATER NEXT TO US A… 0396: When they sleep on you... TUCK THEM IN (100 emoji) 0397: there is a sequel to the playboy mansion called the Hooters grotto 0398: The reason It's a Wonderful Life (1946) holds up so well is that G… 0399: harry styles always looks like he cant handle his grandmas death and k… 0400: No one who gives screenwriting advice on twitter ever mentioned how mu… 0401: "Parasite" and "Roma" changed foreign films foreve… 0402: < Sorry, I don't need to see the new Avatar. I already had a gu… 0403: (Cognitive behavioral therapy < enjoyer I just cut off in traffic)… 0404: Rupi Kaur: Your FINGERS are dipped inSIDE me and you're searching,… 0405: i help every body, im not racist, i keep myself nice, and when i ask f… 0406: I cant stop laughing thinking about deciding to write an xmas song, th… 0407: the fabelmans shouldve ended with a montage of posters for sammy's… 0408: the hardest i've ever been pranked is when i saw Interstellar cuz… 0409: James Cameron: We need a name for Avatar 2, I'm thinking The Way o… 0410: Hal [reading The Night Before Christmas] son: what's a kerchief? d… 0411: (Getting defensive) Clown college has a lot of really fucking cool ele… 0412: joke's on you; i actually love being body slammed by one dozen per… 0413: two biggest shocks of adult life: 1. everyone does cocaine 2. cheese i… 0414: composer of carol of the bells: i've written a haunting melody for… 0415: Attractive mothers, you may be curious why I've called everyone to… 0416: Being atheist sucks sometimes because when someone starts dragging out… 0417: You can't go full irony your whole life. Your kids will be giving… 0418: After a long, challenging day of being a child, Nick at Nite was a sal… 0419: Oates at the MOMA Tillman exhibit we entered a large dark space where… 0420: "RETURNS ON CAPITAL CONTINUE TO EXCEED THE GROWTH RATE OF OVERALL… 0421: blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of… 0422: Roll777 Yoooo check out this water I just found! (Photo of desert mira… 0423: @TweetPotato314 the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic… 0424: Hey nerd that's a nice article you're writing. It would look g… 0425: one of the most heroic things you can do as a sports event camera oper… 0426: *trying to be the cool older cousin* yeah cocaine is like as bad for y… 0427: there are two wolves inside me because i swallowed a fly and then purs… 0428: Imagine getting doxxed in a fuckin children's song. All because yo… 0429: another blissfful day ignoring the fact that 75% of my peers on this s… 0430: AC DC song titles will be something like Gettin Hard (For Sex) and you… 0431: detective: what happened? librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of coll… 0432: am i depressed or do i just not have enough enrichment in my enclosure 0433: least funny ways a tv/movie character can die: - cancer - murder - hea… 0434: A little less "A.I. made this" and a little more "Ay, I… 0435: hey man. first time on the bus? parts of it go round and round. but in… 0436: my roommate just tried to make a bread bowl by hollowing out an entire… 0437: man: but what about the times i saw 8 footprints on the beach? spiderc… 0438: Oct 31 Daniel Plainview - There Will Be Blood (Photo: A borzoi dog wit… 0439: realized I was too online during christmas last year when my starbucks… 0440: My exterminator just fell in love with the very bug I hired him to kil… 0441: "Do not follow where the path may Amtrak lead. Go instead where t… 0442: If you think everybody hates Garfield, ask yourself who tucks in his b… 0443: perhaps nothing is more responsible for the 21st century decline of th… 0444: MX Daniel Shipwreck In Lovecraft's "The Shadow Over Innsmouth… 0445: In your life you will find a maximum of 3-4 articles of clothing that… 0446: On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking… 0447: Andor is Star Wars for people who love Star Trek 0448: All women everywhere should start responding to guys hitting on us wit… 0449: The year is 2025. You go outside and check your mailbox for fresh zine… 0450: i truly believe that i will usher in a new era of peace and prosperity… 0451: Theres a part of the "kiss from a rose" video where it's… 0452: Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red be… 0453: Gilman i actually met lydia tár at cannes 10 years ago. she said nothi… 0454: Men lie so bad Adam probably ate that apple and blamed Eve 0455: ... @lolennui you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must als… 0456: Strange that they're called "light beers" despite activa… 0457: Cheating at horse racing by giving the horse an earpiece where I can t… 0458: I appreciate when a house is described as "architecturally design… 0459: writers love saying things like "he had a toothy grin" what… 0460: @rodentgoddess. (in Barry Lyndon font) PART I BY WHAT MEANS LINDA TARR… 0461: feel better, sex robots 0462: no but you don't understand, I tricked some really cool people int… 0463: getting a woman's number at the bar and texting her “are you mad a… 0464: i have saved $53,000 by claiming the home office tax deduction on my G… 0465: hey man, i just wanted to let you know that we've been making fun… 0466: Joe Cocker a strong contender for Most American British Guy 0467: [first day as bartender] her: piña colada please me: ok her: can you m… 0468: They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life&#… 0469: wife: I'm leaving you me: why wife: You keep talking in that micke… 0470: @Universe_Lover Dipping pretzels into Nutella and if Lenin had ever ta… 0471: [coronavirus pandemic diary] Day 3: I've not had sex in 6 months 0472: (after doing something unquestionably evil) So, apparently the love an… 0473: [wife after leaving our friend emily's party] emily texted that he… 0474: you're back with krqx on 98.5 and that was sammy hagar! lighting i… 0475: @ipaddlearound dudes will visit their gramma one time and make being a… 0476: Girls like it when you send em pictures of animals cuddling with the c… 0477: Love being the guy who still wears shorts in winter. Laugh all you wan… 0478: [about to invent yard gnomes] babe the lawn looks great. how can we ge… 0479: 'Taxi Driver' is a movie about how New Yorkers will descend in… 0480: I'm helping a witch clean her cauldron. It was so big I had to cli… 0481: every man has a Kermit the frog impression tucked away. ask any man tr… 0482: Dude you need to stop talking about "the senate". You sound… 0483: ... ▾ @lolennui once I install this crop irrigation system it's ov… 0484: yeah Top Gun is propaganda. I'm taking a propa ganda at Jennifer C… 0485: can only blame myself for failed trader joes purchases. like no shit t… 0486: If this is a chefs arm you're about to eat the best tacos in your… 0487: having sex with a lot of partners is one of the sluttiest things a man… 0488: Kirby has no ankles because the Goddess Athena saw what became of Achi… 0489: the hot pocket when you get it out of the microwave (sceeenshot of wea… 0490: Damn how much daylight they tryna save?? it's dark as hell 0491: This is like hanging out in your apartment with a bunch of friends see… 0492: i think it's beautiful that when they were figuring out Winnie the… 0493: "The director of Tár also invented Big League Chew" is one o… 0494: I *know* it's the day after an election because my watch says I&#3… 0495: Rich people got that $70 dick (Diagram showing “poor” person with mult… 0496: Saw a tweet calling Mr. Show the American Monty Python and misread it… 0497: hey it's Miles. apparently i never got logged out of this account.… 0498: Jury: we find the defendant guilty your honor Me: Imao cope Judge: sen… 0499: Is anybody else named "Sigourney" or just her 0500: girl cats get named after ancient goddesses and boy cats get named aft… 0501: why is it called creepypasta and not fettuccine afraido 0502: me: you ever space out and forget where you are? cop who just pulled m… 0503: I love hanging out at my apartment. All my stuff is here 0504: everyone else writing a Disney+ Star Wars show: "the thesis of my… 0505: Thought I wrote a couple of okay pages when I was high last night. Rea… 0506: Just watched an ep of Clifford where Clifford has rash and has to go t… 0507: Porridge is not what I assumed bears would be having for breakfast. Di… 0508: gathering data on various of bastards 0509: Coat pockets need to be large enough to hold a trade paperback, no exc… 0510: Having a kid is so cringe.... Yeah here's a guy I made, he doesn&#… 0511: Deep in my bones, I do not understand why the Great British Bake Off i… 0512: nothing ruins a person with ADHD's day like a 3pm appointment 0513: bamboozled again (Screenshot of text conversation) Are you a youth med… 0514: Just watched a YouTuber refer to hallucinations experienced in a senso… 0515: Normalize starting an underwater rock band and NOT making the octopus… 0516: (standing there with my hands on my hips watching the firefighters ext… 0517: me on Twitter: I can't fucking believe you think this. You fucking… 0518: wife wants to get the word "winefreak" tattooed, in the disn… 0519: God i love new york. Where else in the world can you get a sandwich 0520: The alien language in Arrival (2016), yassified Anthony Carmen @nthony… 0521: Physics building womens bathrooms are low-key underrated for crying in… 0522: honestly human history makes a lot more sense when you remember how ma… 0523: being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic e… 0524: when someone offers me a scrumptious morsel, you know i'm on my &q… 0525: out of the trillion girls who follow me i only want to marry about 8 o… 0526: Breaking character: In case Elon cancels me soon, I wanted to share wi… 0527: "John Jacob! John Jacob, it's John Jacob... your cousin, John… 0528: Twitter ruins your mental health. It fixes mine. We are not the same 0529: i will annihilate all spoofs of me. i will take anyone who does spoofs… 0530: Where's your degree from? Beautiful princess university? 0531: @TheRokuChannel Channel Q&A: @alyankovic is here answering your qu… 0532: What are your favourite music 0533: the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one o… 0534: A man on the street just abruptly punched me in the arm and then said… 0535: Never brought a pencil to school ever. scrounged for one every single… 0536: I have deep-fried the plums that were in the icebox thank you for visi… 0537: when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) "oh no my h… 0538: I got a new purse to bring to the pub for specifically this reason (Ph… 0539: McDonalds waiter sets a plate of nuggets in front of a woman and says… 0540: Me: what do you mean I can't pay with this Cashier: Your dollar, s… 0541: the problem with twitter alternatives is they facilitate meaningful di… 0542: Romantic idea: throw soup on your gf and tell her it's bc she'… 0543: trying to explain the dramatic impact of a group chat creator leaving… 0544: me: Star Wars is for children also me: the fascist board meeting show… 0545: The French words for screenwriter and director ("scénariste"… 0546: I'm so tired if I don't go to bed I'm gonna start crying l… 0547: One's script should feel like a movie. That's why, before I ty… 0548: (in the tavern drunk as fuck on monk beer) i dont give a fuuuuck about… 0549: Disney brought back Boba Fett and Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan and the bes… 0550: podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let's just dive right in 0551: Incredible how hard celebrities work to be charming and likeable when… 0552: we should just start a new social media site in the reviews section of… 0553: hate this stupid cooking discourse. being able to cook is a prerequisi… 0554: CHOMSKY: to look at a case like the grinch, who commited.. many crimes… 0555: me at 19: i must figure out a unified theory of aesthetics me at 29: t… 0556: mirrors are for women only. men should only catch their reflection in… 0557: RATIONALIZE YOUR FILTH ONLINE, SCROUNGE THE WEB FOR EMOTION, LOG OFF A… 0558: man being a writer in the 50s was easy as shit, you'd just crank o… 0559: Humanities vs. STEM beef is so wild to me, why don't y'all sim… 0560: Oh they named a cove after you? What's it called? "Idiot Cove… 0561: my car is trauma dumping rn (saying i need an oil change) 0562: Don't forget to set out weed and video games for John Carpenter to… 0563: Dating in your forties is sending a man the hottest nude he's ever… 0564: you should only be allowed to talk about a tv show if it is currently… 0565: the millionaires and billionaires dine on candy bars built for KINGS w… 0566: I have no idea what is in a rum and coke but they are pretty tasty 0567: Midsommar GF, Boy in bear costume who has never seen the movie but wan… 0568: folks if you think haunted house is scary this halloween i invite you… 0569: COLUMBO: This is a lovely place you've built here, Mr. Montresor,… 0570: School really hyped up Johnny Appleseed as if he was an important hist… 0571: Yohimbo10 I always thought it was funny how with Elvis being a big Tre… 0572: (me overfilling the washing machine) it looks like a lot but this'… 0573: film director: i need you to look this way and that way, make sure you… 0574: Awful day today. I had 2 volumes of the collected work of Hegel in my… 0575: (DMing a mutual) hey man I'm imagining Dracula saying your latest… 0576: Was thinking about which contemporary actor I would most want to have… 0577: brokering a merger between two polycules & initiating massive layo… 0578: wish haunted houses had like a "chicken night" where you cou… 0579: Andor's great because it's a grounded, thoughtful drama with n… 0580: baptism fail! this baby is still going to hell 0581: question for married ppl: how much is reasonable to spend on a wedding… 0582: my mom: i'm worried he's fallen in with the wrong crowd. my da… 0583: Every time I try to watch a movie about a janitor at MIT it turns into… 0584: decades of jacking off "The stupid way" has got my whole dic… 0585: First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol First night as a vampi… 0586: Forgot that the toilet lid was a lift up situation so I was just pushi… 0587: [greeting aliens] Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. E… 0588: The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the… 0589: We get it poets: things are like other things 0590: (Would Sonic's Dick Be Blue or Tan Like His Tummy Is) Viewing Disc… 0591: Me: the eagles won last night Co worker: oh did you watch the game Me:… 0592: buddy ive missed social cues you cant even imagine. 0593: my baby kicks so much every time i drink lol he loves applebees margs!… 0594: (seeing a bunch of people on an escalator) Wow, Koyaanisqatsi much?? 0595: Me at the dispensary: I'd like one weed, please, the kind that mak… 0596: i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my f… 0597: using microsoft word *moves an image 1 mm to the left* all text and im… 0598: The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several… 0599: if they filmed the shining in the late 90s jack nicholson wouldve chop… 0600: ... Wild bee: just getting snack Me: no prob bee Mason bee: just make… 0601: what if you had a little skull in each of your testicles 0602: Pro tip if you're seeing someone and need reassurance, instead of… 0603: Women will watch one documentary about seals and then post "I&#39… 0604: To find out who has power over you, pay attention to who sets your bed… 0605: im above the mud slinging - im above responding to peoples crap - i di… 0606: Euphoria was cool because there was 50000 tweets saying "if you t… 0607: It's so funny living in a human body. Hearing stuff like "if… 0608: Christian de Neuvillette: I want to tell her she's beautiful Cyran… 0609: Whole club goes nuts as the DJ drops a sample of Paul Dano screaming &… 0610: [waving hand vaguely] Just make it go viral 0611: trader joes exec 1: pistachios without the shell, we could call them s… 0612: I'll be doing a zoom to help writers hone their procrastination sk… 0613: Cops in The Wire: If we could only get the higher-ups to focus on the… 0614: I am starting a new party trend called Gandalfing. You show up, smoke… 0615: @coolmathgame_ me: [seeing a baby] oh my god he's so cute what&#39… 0616: ... In your own words, how would you describe Libertarians? John Spaul… 0617: I've been recommending Severance to my sister for weeks. She calle… 0618: My D&D group has kicked me out as DM because it is blatantly clear… 0619: (baseball umpire in the group chat after his first time saying "y… 0620: People will be like "the best way to reheat leftover pizza is in… 0621: people will be like "found a new guy" and he's just a ho… 0622: You used to be able to apply to Harvard with just a handwritten note t… 0623: @WrittenByHanna JLO's foreplay costume: @ubanks my culture is not… 0624: (Screen shot of google result) If I boil a cigarette and use the water… 0625: sailing addicts be like "just one more voyage bro i swear i can d… 0626: HELLFRASIER FRASIER: niles have you heard of this enigmatic puzzle tha… 0627: I will never tire of this website. Someone will say "i love spend… 0628: Kids today watch 'good' TV with 'great' episodes but t… 0629: love both Alan Moore's "I disown this bastardization of my in… 0630: as fun and cool as F1 seems, i have a hard time it seriously as a spor… 0631: ME: A Welsh rarebit, with a poached egg on top not too runny -- bacon,… 0632: Beetlejuice is a horror movie about what If you knew a guy who wouldn&… 0633: (Build a bear employee gets home from work) do you even know how many… 0634: Australian cats be like "Meoaur" 0635: Kicked out of the Eyes Wide Shut mask orgy for bringing my Nintendo Sw… 0636: Thanks for the reply. Are there any other personal details from your l… 0637: what if spiders laughed like seth rogen when u found them 0638: as messy as twitter drama gets it has nothing on when a guy in my WoW… 0639: Trying to imagine what it'd take for me to yell at a server. Like… 0640: My favorite kind of star wars guy is a freaky little puppet constructe… 0641: Doctor: I'm afraid you have...impostor syndrome. Me: But doctor, I… 0642: [my gf actually turns into a worm] me: oh my god. it's ok, i'l… 0643: I watched House for the first time and was like "wow why isn'… 0644: People on NextDoor will post Ring cam videos of a teenager walking hom… 0645: Really liked Hot Tub Time Machine...crazy storyline but you'll def… 0646: dude i just gazed upon you and I loved what i regarded 0647: crazy how every friend group has an esoteric oracle, a conniving eunuc… 0648: "the customers always right" is a scam. the customer is neve… 0649: I've been "Maine sober" (haven't done cocaine off a… 0650: I'm sort of the Morpheus of my friend group. I'm always standi… 0651: i get so starstruck when the dentist comes in after the dental hygieni… 0652: I'm in Paris and I ordered an oat milk latte and the waiter said n… 0653: couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game ent… 0654: guest rapper on gorillaz song: i been in ends since ten kicking produc… 0655: my friend just called capybaras "guinea bigs" and I will nev… 0656: James Corden has the same desperation in his eyes as the Hamburglar 0657: (way too loud at a dinner party) The zookeeper owns the animals. That&… 0658: I love to gather up the objects of my youth and conspicuously throw th… 0659: Guy who is nothing to nobody: I can't be all things to all people 0660: If you can hear your manager walking towards you, giving you enough ti… 0661: film criticism exists for one reason: to agree with other critics [1/4… 0662: when i hear "there is a house in New Orleans," i think, oh,… 0663: I'm beer pilled lol. Im in my cold beer era (I hear my wife's… 0664: i used to be mocked for bullying my class mates. now i live in the rea… 0665: they should make a narcan for weed so if u get "scared of tv&quot… 0666: I sat my drunk ass down and drove 0667: Time to relax by reading my phone and getting upset 0668: When men refer to themselves as "alpha males", I hear that i… 0669: Oh the Sopranos cut to black at the end when you watched it? That'… 0670: Scorpions imply the existence of scorps with no electrical charge 0671: The hottest girl job is bank robber and the hottest boy job is alcohol… 0672: The rise of social media has had a major effect on the way we dm and r… 0673: @maggotmagick Psycho 1960 - Stinky UGLY black and white . Directed by… 0674: Been prototyping this diet lately: 1pm: 1 small orange 4pm: 1 bowl of… 0675: people think david lynch's films are full of unanswerable question… 0676: starting to think that corporations don't really care about dracul… 0677: A Gingerale will cure ailments of the body and a Dr Pepper, ailments o… 0678: the first mf who did a somersault for sure got laid immediately 0679: serenely liking the tweet and then the dunk on it mere seconds later w… 0680: sorry boss i can't come to work today i'm tucked into bed real… 0681: Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoyi… 0682: gloryhole for men to hold hands 0683: Fantasy is when it's filmed in a forest on the outskirts of Vancou… 0684: *hands you six ibuprofen* this is an old family recipe 0685: (Being discovered in dungeon where I have been imprisoned for thousand… 0686: Every novel title, 17th-19th century: "Jasper Flump" Every n… 0687: It was believed in medieval times that hedgehogs had spikes so they co… 0688: I'm pillpilled and maxxmaxxing. I'm going mode mode. In my &qu… 0689: just gave your address to some spiders 0690: robots can have mental illnesses you cant even conceive of 0691: Probably the best meme I will ever make (Cartoon face talking to Willi… 0692: More American males now wear bracelets than eat stew 0693: Fight back. F**k humiliation as news. F**k denial of climate change. F… 0694: {about to invent corgis} what if a coffee table could be alive 0695: imagine being the CEO of spirit halloween. you only work a single mont… 0696: It's cool that Jennifer Connelly's character in Top Gun 2 runs… 0697: whales: [exist] fantasy authors: clearly they belong in their natural… 0698: Toes are the nipples of the feet 0699: Folk Horror taps into our natural fear of Europeans 0700: Her: Youre not my type Me: Ad hominem Her: its just they say you know… 0701: neil degrasse tyson listening to it's raining men, shaking his hea… 0702: [historian voice] it has always sucked ass to be alive 0703: dog twitter: my hungry ass could NOT be left alone with a rotisserie c… 0704: Herman Melville's "Moby Dick" has perhaps the most memor… 0705: denim jackets should be business casual after october 1 0706: THE RAPPER CARDI B: You a goofy, you a opp MITT ROMNEY: [listening and… 0707: [first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me,… 0708: "It's spooky season" grow up. Everything is scary all th… 0709: @CloserLookPod {Anton Chigurh voice} whats the most random thing youve… 0710: if anyone needs me I will be thinking about the fact that no one alive… 0711: me: umm actually that's Frankenstein's Monster friend: oh my b… 0712: eye contact is only for if you love someone. if you go around making e… 0713: Me: Could I get a light roast, please? Barista: You look like Francis… 0714: Yes I'm something of an "enfant terrible." That's a… 0715: Question: what is a "lesser" film by a director that you thi… 0716: Inside of you are two wolves. Outside of you are five chickens and a s… 0717: Today's teens are selling cursed wares and giving not a fig for th… 0718: Heads up everyone, it's Ninja Turtle weather (Weather map with pat… 0719: H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu Me:… 0720: in 1920 we took children out of the coal mines in 2020, the most popul… 0721: The fact that one bird tricked me doesn't mean that all birds are… 0722: *Papa Roach voice* TURN MY LIFE INTO CONTENT I AM UNDEREMPLOYED 0723: Dad jokes are ok but Mom Jokes are insisting that a squirrel she sees… 0724: dentist: have you been brushing your teeth me: no but my vape is mint… 0725: @lerbonjanes u like what u see? (Clip art of a basketball) 0726: taking a victorian gruel recipe originally intended for industrial loo… 0727: A24, to some, is a movie production and distribution company. But to m… 0728: (Showing you some stupid bullshit that sucks ass) and would you believ… 0729: hey guys 0730: SOMEONE: In 2006, when I was 10 years old-- ME: Sorry, no. Everyone wa… 0731: my favorite LSD story is from this old microsoft engineer who took a r… 0732: a slander page after the acknowledgements page for the people who have… 0733: guy who's addicted to lunch: [biting into a sandwich at 8:30 am] h… 0734: Im a starving child starving to death. and this is the very last thing… 0735: Ai art is real art because people get mad at it 0736: JUST HAD SOME TOBLERONE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AGES AND IT WAS FUCKING… 0737: new office neighbour has a very sensible office door policy. Dear visi… 0738: Lol that's funny dude. Reminds me of something one of my mentally… 0739: me: [opens fridge] bag of decaying broccoli: pleas- me: [closes fridge… 0740: While you were studying the blade, I was also studying the blade. We w… 0741: turning the lights off before sex so the boogieman knows he can join 0742: doctor: I know there's a lot of stigma surrounding testicular canc… 0743: soup was invented in 1927 by John Soup when he wanted to drink a chick… 0744: The hard truth is that our learnings from dissecting E.T. would have b… 0745: @fivepoisonskid search history: -wizard hat -blue wizard hat -blue wiz… 0746: to be honest with you i do not think a tiger would eat frosted flakes 0747: @emokendallroy is there anyone even named sheldon irl? @bigfatmoosepss… 0748: yeah i have stock options. chicken, beef, vegetable 0749: [after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three ti… 0750: several years ago I read that potatoes and butter have all the nutrien… 0751: Trump 1993 interview: Well, the gremlins are very fascinating creature… 0752: If I found out the existence of a glorious utopia required my eternal… 0753: I Asked my BOYFRIEND when is his BIRTHDAY, he said March 1st, so I wal… 0754: Canny believe Gregors away in a huff cause we were slagging him for dr… 0755: John: Yesterday... Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away George: Bu… 0756: The best part of Ronald McDonald meeting Kawhi Leonard is The Coyote s… 0757: me: say a big number. millenial: DUHHhhh... 10. can i have participati… 0758: You think you could live in Canada, but then you find out they call Ke… 0759: Whenever I see a guy who looks really sweaty and unwell I make him sin… 0760: Fran Lebowitz is the ultimate baby boomer: she wrote exactly two books… 0761: Wish I had the confidence of a bay leaf, just strolling into every rec… 0762: On a first date, my Bumble match declared, "I have gout." To… 0763: Bram Stoker sounds like the coolest fucking surfer I've ever heard… 0764: ADAM LEVINE: Damn that booty go fucking crazy. I want to mob it like a… 0765: You can schedule meetings for however long you want but my brain is on… 0766: My doctor told me to eat butter and gossip more 0767: Healy spinning around is pretty much goated when getting dizzy is the… 0768: Learning minion language on Duolingo all day while my girl friend work… 0769: Teens 20 years ago: "Mom don't pick up the phone... I'm o… 0770: i followed you because of a funny post some time ago, but its been exc… 0771: i told the doctor he is nothing to me and he said i am just a scurvy d… 0772: hey man loved that portrait aspect comedy video you did. noticed every… 0773: Overnight Oats sounds like the name of a racehorse who sucks 0774: (DMing girl) Life is so randommm it's like.. Whyyyyyy Lol. (loggin… 0775: Pink Floyd songs are always like "You can drink their coffee and… 0776: every 2-3 months there's some scandal about a guy named like Daiqu… 0777: Do you guys mind if I add my weird IRL friend to the chat? He's ch… 0778: Donald Duck is ten times the man his critics or enemies could ever hop… 0779: @GrahamB47 what's up with the flat-earthers. did they go away? hav… 0780: the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there's th… 0781: Short kings do NOT go outside. I just saw a hawk. 0782: oh my god i just saw a man get run over by my car 0783: @i_zzzzzz It takes so much arrogance to invent a new soup in the 21st… 0784: Diane Keaton will be seconds away from signing on to a movie and be li… 0785: I have prescription basketball shorts 0786: strongest blade in the world, however it is so fragile as to shatter w… 0787: RIP to everyone killed by the gods for their hubris but im different.… 0788: There should be a button. I don't care what it does. 0789: A Crow on the Orient Express 0790: SCAM ALERT: people are saying "I know!" when their cat meows… 0791: John Waters had a brother who was a little more of a playboy. his name… 0792: *Neil Young "Cinnamon Girl" voice* "I wanna (Photo of a… 0793: There's a universe where their equivalent of the MCU are Christoph… 0794: Funniest joke I've heard about Adam Levine is still that he looks… 0795: "politically homeless" is such a cool euphemism for "I… 0796: coming out of my cage and i've been doing not great going back to… 0797: Directly in the middle of a New Yorker personal history titled "M… 0798: I'd never date someone with onlyfans, I need air conditioning to b… 0799: john's solo work: my mind is soft and gay i flee and fly away geor… 0800: If I played tennis I would wear lots of jewels and gems and generally… 0801: "can you explain this gap in your resume?" yeah, that was wh… 0802: Anthony fantano: You've touched a lot on evolving as an artist. a… 0803: @j_phd2 mcdonalds when youre sick hits better than any OTC bullshit 0804: everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up 0805: they say "how to turn your side hustle into your main source of i… 0806: The line "call me Ishmael" implies the narrator has a differ… 0807: Group of drunk Boston guys yelling "Go home avatah!!!" at a… 0808: Broadway's 'The Phantom Of The Opera' Will Close in 2023 A… 0809: Mom: Fuck you, Steve! With your secretary? How could you do this? Dad:… 0810: obama voice: My uh, Chemical Romance 0811: 'Mickey' is a nickname, and nicknames are for friends, and Mic… 0812: beautiful woman: my favorite movie is The Things We Ascribe. it's… 0813: watching an old person struggling with a jar and saying "allow me… 0814: wife texting friend from bed: first day off in 10 days. rest and relax… 0815: DOCTOR: It says here you took 3 years off to "soak in tub"?… 0816: Office. 2d if you go out to dinner and still feel like fucking afterwa… 0817: I must be perfect, the way I am the enemy of the good. 0818: I'm neither a democrat nor a republican, but rather a secret third… 0819: We are the sons of the tap dancers you couldn't pull offstage with… 0820: ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important! wise rich man: M… 0821: Hey folks, it's me, Michael Clayton. I'll never forget the tim… 0822: Actor bios in the 60s and 70s: He was an amateur boxer and truck drive… 0823: Recently created a chore wheel for my roommates. It's really gotte… 0824: I think i suffer from mental Illinois 12:18 PM 9/4/22 Twitter for iPho… 0825: Aug 24 Rod Stewart is looking well. (A decaying structure overrun with… 0826: people on here will tweet anything. "Charlie Brown had hoes.&quot… 0827: global warming makes it BE warm outside??? oh yea nah fuck that, i agr… 0828: julius caesar: [watching Magic Mike XXL] they made 30 of these? 0829: "Grandpa what was it like before emojis?" Well, we used word… 0830: me, before having kids: I'm never going to lie to my children me t… 0831: You've been speaking English your entire life but did you know tha… 0832: the perfect man; - mr bean humour - the skills of john wick - the fash… 0833: if you misbehave in prison they make you go home 0834: it Sucks, its bullshit, its stupid, but you Love to see it 0835: Skyrockets in flight/Borat voice 'My Wife' 0836: anytime you feel the urge to look at ur phone while driving, pick up a… 0837: the bus ride was lowkey the most lit part of field trips 156 comments… 0838: @postcyborg Film Twitter will be like "just finished my rewatch o… 0839: Lol you sipping from your little water bottle? Ok dude. Haha. Enjoy yo… 0840: While my friends get drunk and have fun on this party boat, I'm st… 0841: @lolennui this is actually my 3rd rodeo and I still have a lot of ques… 0842: @ihythreat y'all be scared to double text Imaoo not me ding ding t… 0843: Respect to tectonic plates, 3 billion years still on that grind, loyal… 0844: prosciutto is like if ham was a slut 0845: Any time you start a twitter beef its only a matter of time before som… 0846: frasier: niles, you simply must try this OG Kush. The terpenes are a s… 0847: the most sensual thing a man can do is google shit like "napoleon… 0848: (after completing a very small Lego set) feels good to work with your… 0849: founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it's gonna have hot dogs and op… 0850: the best part about living with my gf is now i eat so many new, exotic… 0851: if the hardcore bands guitarist looks like this you are about to die i… 0852: Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if… 0853: My midnight guy just texted me that it's midnight 0854: ah, America's two political parties (Screenshot of twitter convers… 0855: whoever named horseradish probably did not get to name another vegetab… 0856: Shirts that go hard? I'd rather have a shirt that was nice and sof… 0857: One of the most frightening things I've ever heard is when someone… 0858: @racecard_driver threesomes shouldn't only be for sex you should b… 0859: im at knots berry farms n my butts 2 big 2 fit in da seats on ride. ah… 0860: she must not have been from too small a town if they had a midnight tr… 0861: why mafia isn't a fucking aesthetic: a thread (Photo of tony sopra… 0862: i really dont care what Yankee Doodle did when he went to town. His to… 0863: Inventing a new lifestyle philosophy called "The Nine Delights&qu… 0864: can't recommend highly enough the combo of one large dog who is sw… 0865: My ex-wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went… 0866: id like uh...medium, w/ pepperoni, sausage and onion. just to piss off… 0867: (approaching on horseback) Hey I just wanted to follow up, 0868: Risencrantz and Grindenstern 0869: Die Day 3 off of beer. I'm down 50 pounds and my childhood dog cam… 0870: It's 1925. I'm leanin' against this lamppost on the lookou… 0871: A book about a serial killer targeting audiobook narrators. The audiob… 0872: @ActiveMak No grown man should be laughing twice in one day, one good… 0873: Necco wafers are candy hearts but semiotically inert 0874: AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online AMAZON, 2023: please retu… 0875: Instagram innovating its user experience by hiding all posts by people… 0876: black mirror is written by one stoned british dude who just mutters sh… 0877: I love movies when the entire plot is "is the hottest day of the… 0878: never beating the sleepy allegations. charged with honk shoo honk shoo… 0879: YOUNG PEOPLE: heres some slightly different language you can use to be… 0880: humiliating to be into furniture. "beautiful table" jesus ch… 0881: being alive is great because there are so many different aiolis to try… 0882: a baby keeps hacking my letterboxd account and giving five stars to al… 0883: Lord the postmen You put on this earth to deliver parcels and envelope… 0884: Normal people: I met this guy, he was average Victorian writers: He wa… 0885: [opens book] Ah yes well if it isn't my old nenesis, worbs 0886: Very crisp image. I can practically see the institute where I studied… 0887: There should be a good influence on teen boys. They should invent They… 0888: @wOaOiOf me: well you see doc, i just don't have the sauce anymore… 0889: Bars should have a "beertender" and a "bartender"… 0890: i gotta fuck her man 8:38 PM 8/18/21. This Tweet has been deleted. 0891: i gotta fuck her, man 8:39 PM 8/18/21 0892: No one clam should have all that chowder 0893: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major li… 0894: (After any interaction with another human being) Lmao wow. wait until… 0895: buying edibles in LA: this is a nice little pomegranate-basil 7.357 mg… 0896: Something Mumford This Way Sons 0897: imagining a Mister Softee truck turning on the jingle to blow through… 0898: every book is called 'the tiny things we know to be small' or… 0899: you call this shit rotisserie chicken? I bet this shit hasnt even rota… 0900: What if instead of stepping outside my comfort zone, I step into an ev… 0901: It's always twins that are conjoined. Never just a couple of guys… 0902: 11:15AM: hey man look out. the tickle monster is on the loose 2:24PM:… 0903: If we found out reincarnation was real and had a way to verifiably tra… 0904: The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and ha… 0905: 8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factor… 0906: dog owners: their name is buddy cat owners: their name is cool ranch d… 0907: The best, most relatable song lyric is Sam Cooke singing "don&#39… 0908: crime is down? maybe. but i've invented something i call Crime 2,… 0909: Very excited for a new season of Westworld, the show that makes robots… 0910: Tom cruise (trying to teach me how to eat pussy): you don't have t… 0911: hey sorry i'm late i was on google maps doing every corn maze in t… 0912: drunk: im going to kill god high: god is going to kill me 0913: did I "kill a plant" or did the plant not have what it takes… 0914: it sucks that fascists co-opted "just asking questions," a p… 0915: 1997 Daft Punk: [sounds of an old betamax eating a tape mixed with a g… 0916: Hey man wanna grab lunch. We're going to this taco place called Fl… 0917: my muscles begin to glow with the intensity of 100,000 sun` s. this ca… 0918: iPhone photos will make a lil movie of the saddest month of your life… 0919: Never move to Texas. One of those maps to unlock on an RPG and only vi… 0920: My boyfriend's always talking about how the world needs a larger b… 0921: These are my only two moods (Screenshot of two headlines) Uber Rides C… 0922: Me and my buddies have been drinking beer for hours and nothing is hap… 0923: Millennials Can't Afford Homes Because They Are Greedily Using Bot… 0924: blonde-haired blue-eyed person named something like Sabine Mengele-Eic… 0925: please bring your rats to the new castle flea market so I may bless/he… 0926: I tip 50% on terrible service because I think it's cool to hate yo… 0927: @memes123422. Don't make Star Wars political @starwars. 1. Queer c… 0928: If kramer was in my house I would make sure every door was already ope… 0929: Being 40 means many times your phone's flashlight is just randomly… 0930: Pitbulls are so funny bc someone really walked in like "i would l… 0931: getting in trouble when gf notices i tweeted "Love to eat pancake… 0932: ELON MUSK: what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about 457k R… 0933: its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second co… 0934: . 4d I'm sorry but Dakota Johnson has the face of someone who know… 0935: When someone uses this emoji they are more mad than they have ever bee… 0936: why watch overtime playoff hockey when you can simply snort cocaine an… 0937: ME: ill take.. one Cruisp bird w/ extra bird sauce please KFC CLERK: H… 0938: Academia is like if all the people who were uncool in high school form… 0939: overheard a teenaged girl ask her dad to explain what started World Wa… 0940: I hope nothing permanent happens today 0941: me, every night: it's ok, I'll get up early and do that work i… 0942: Following [whispering to date when a genius in a movie does math on a… 0943: Your honor, cmon 0944: Twitter has taught me that the most important part of a joke isn't… 0945: (Watching set of jangling keys) ah, the theatre 0946: The Last Crusade taught me that there are more important things in lif… 0947: Patel Avocados should have different toys inside instead of the same w… 0948: every american foreign policy poll is like sowing: 78% approve 11% dis… 0949: All drug dealers refer to special effects in movies as "graphics&… 0950: I tried to swipe a crumb off my phone and accidentally liked all 240 p… 0951: If baseball really wanted to get exciting, they'd let a celebrity… 0952: bowser is insanely wealthy for a turtle 0953: it's crazy that they only figured out tectonic plates in the 60s.… 0954: Minting an NFT of my acclaimed tweet "hotel room Shark Tank hits… 0955: a real shame that 6 am is such a perfect time to wake up but 10 pm is… 0956: Too many of you were told as kids you'd make a great lawyer withou… 0957: It is easier to imagine a solid blue rectangle, twice as wide as it is… 0958: @fivepoisonskid bad orson welles impression: why this pompous ragamuff… 0959: 1d Message to my best friend from childhood: Hey brother. I just did t… 0960: Yes, it's true. I play Gus the bartender on The Cleveland Show. Mi… 0961: .@realDonaldTrump "Honey~see you soon!" (Photo of her torso… 0962: honey, are you okay? you haven't touched your Tonight Show money 0963: Oil 4/22/13 Twitter for BlackBerry® 0964: Gollum... Dobby... there was a time when buying a ticket to the movies… 0965: i have been silent on this issue for far too long. glenn greenwald loo… 0966: I used to drink tons of Diet Coke but it's been one month since I&… 0967: it's okay to yell "spider-man, look out!" at the tv if i… 0968: Therapy isn't enough, I need all my friends to sign a document to… 0969: often times i look at the skills and knowledge i've cultivated and… 0970: there should be a post-pandemic full service doctor where you just lie… 0971: there are people on here i've followed for years and they follow m… 0972: @TeawithTolkien a tweet the silmarillion (handshake emoji) 280 charact… 0973: @sped_bundy i be sexting like "i figured as such" 0974: @alexnichols11 WIN BUTLER: With every secret we confess We know each o… 0975: More like J. R. R. Taken. The man was happily married 0976: Twitter is like doing standup where half the room is expecting a TED T… 0977: I would have been very susceptible to naturopathy if any sleepy time t… 0978: MARK JACKSON: To me, bleu cheese does not belong in cereal. MIKE BREEN… 0979: @Sundae_Girl @Sundae Divine ~75% of married men can't fall asleep… 0980: I like WAYWARD PINES, but I think Matt Dillon could also convincingly… 0981: jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid f… 0982: Every time I have a programming question and I rly need help, I post i… 0983: They should make a grocery store for men 0984: last night i dreamed i was out dancing and everyone lost it when a son… 0985: Every day on my morning walk I try to give the wrecking ball guy at th… 0986: New York City is like Linux: - Spend the first year re-learning how to… 0987: Ethan Hawke: 'The most romantic thing I've done is have sex&#3… 0988: If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying "wahoo" n… 0989: going to bed always feels like giving up on the day. the longer you st… 0990: Please leave me alone honey I'm balls deep in a game that is basic… 0991: (French DJ voice) I just want to say.... To all ugly and dumb people.… 0992: If I was a Seinfeld Elaine boy of the week, my troubling quirk would b… 0993: The cryptkeeper is almost more known for his storytelling than his cry… 0994: Shout out to moms one of the hardest jobs in the world right after bei… 0995: It's tough to read about the French far-right because you eventual… 0996: Lea Seydoux always looks like you just woke her up from a nap and no i… 0997: I finally figured it out (Map that draws a line between Iceland and Ir… 0998: Had a dream where I started selling this hat and it gradually took ove… 0999: "i will face god and walk backwards into hell" is a dril quo… 1000: Guy: I'm actually sober Me: (mishearing him) you're somber? I&… 1001: *me, teaching a classroom* ok so today's lesson is kind of loose b… 1002: If "surf and turf" didn't rhyme, no restaurant would hav… 1003: On the math section of the SAT, they have you write down a number and… 1004: if i had a girlfriend i would like all of her tweets. even the bad one… 1005: The reason Big Bird isn't treated like a Kaiju is that there are f… 1006: Every first literary novel published after 2011 has an epigraph page t… 1007: I refuse to bookmark a website. I will simply use the far more logical… 1008: What I love about "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" is that the… 1009: [guy who knows about a second kind of lemon] oh is that a Meyer lemon? 1010: me watching breaking bad: walt should blow-up that orphanage me watchi… 1011: One of my favourite glasses of water evaporated 1012: Youth Pastor: you know who else wasn't a fan of La Croix? 1013: Jesus was the first person to make a big deal about his deactivation a… 1014: a show like Old Enough where we send people whove never eaten edibles… 1015: When I look at Bob Costas, I imagine a giant mousetrap full of loose s… 1016: Five years ago, I asked this beautiful woman if she would go to dinner… 1017: Bolsonaro faces stiff questioning over Brazilian army's Viagra pur… 1018: my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn't remember… 1019: All in all, I think Debussy would be surprised by how often people in… 1020: The dmv be like you forgot to bring the Declaration of Independence 1021: ohhhh big stretch (Screenshot: Wikipedia Page) Cat gap From Wikipedia,… 1022: Pathetic...I hate soup (photo: a bowl of sad soup) 1023: i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain… 1024: Columbo is great for a lot of reasons but a vital one for me is that i… 1025: let me clear this up once and for all. post-punk is when a guy is sad… 1026: Like a cursed amulet this website drives each person mad in a way uniq… 1027: The Lunch That I Brought is No Longer the Lunch That I Want: A Memoir 1028: jordan peterson: that Tasmanian beast means a whole bloody lot to a wh… 1029: vintage pyrex dishes are just bionicles for girls 1030: I call my buddy Cormac McCarthy "Mac Mac" and he hates it lo… 1031: Getting old is finding yourself giving the equivalent of the Tannhäuse… 1032: DRACULA rules for the same reason HIS DARK MATERIALS does, because Sto… 1033: The Guardian Mushrooms communicate with each other using up to 50 &#39… 1034: when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it's mockin… 1035: I feel better than ever at 35.... My advice to people in their twentie… 1036: *Anthony Kiedis voice* (Screenshot) How to Flip Fish with a Large Fish… 1037: Writing a novel is just spending years of your life trying to solve a… 1038: [Ducktales theme] Vast and trunkless legs of stone l-n the, de-sert St… 1039: April 1st is the day when we remember how much easier it is to tell a… 1040: I like how Amish people refer to all non-amish people as "the Eng… 1041: Julia Fox has the energy of a girl who came back from study abroad wit… 1042: (At family dinner) So how's everyone enjoying our last name 1043: you can't just abbreviate phrases all william nilliam 1044: Literally all your problems go away if you read moby dick and lift wei… 1045: My roommates won't let me watch movies with them any more because… 1046: (Screenshot of google search suggestions) People also ask Which fruit… 1047: you do not have to tip the waiter if you say "Thank You" mor… 1048: a weighted blanket is not enough i need to be compressed into a .zip f… 1049: do you think the ikea assembly buddies ever explored each other's… 1050: If you try to fight me there's only gonna be 4 hits. You hitting m… 1051: The reason you're seeing increasingly batshit opinions on here is… 1052: The devil works hard but the updater of the Macbeth Wikipedia page wor… 1053: the most efficient meal is a small amount of oil (Diagram showing how… 1054: Do I look like someone who knows something full well • 1055: I am so honored to have won the R. L. Stine Creative Writing Award for… 1056: we bought an animal collective 1057: can't stop laughing at this perfect construction from the popemobi… 1058: A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 beca… 1059: im a teacher in france and i can't decide which is fuckin crazier:… 1060: we should all get summer vacation. it's what we were trained for 1061: going to the gym to say ooooohhh big stretch at everyone like they&#39… 1062: When I play a song on repeat for hours at a very high volume, I'm… 1063: Five years ago today I realized one doorknob in my house looked like a… 1064: You know, I worked with Mothra once. Real class act. She got to set ea… 1065: my girlfriend just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall whi… 1066: whats everyones favorite gas price? mine is $3.29 1067: hitting my enemies where it hurts by signing off with 'regards&#39… 1068: gay as hell to have an arch nemesis. what's he arching? his back? 1069: checking twitter right before bed and reading five of the most upsetti… 1070: So an NFT is I give you money and I get nothing, do I have that right? 1071: one of my favorite things is when 22 year olds say "imagine being… 1072: if karl marx was alive today he would be a communist 1073: As a trained reverse psychologist my professional opinion is that we d… 1074: sex 2: the ultimate sex experience 1075: girl what kind of interview is this (Very erotic still from Interview… 1076: @dunwall what do non-smokers do when they need a cigarette 1077: customer: I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese me: sorry, we… 1078: Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcon… 1079: the shift key is the most useless key on the keyboard. it doesn't… 1080: (sitting bolt upright in pitch darkness) next year we should decorate… 1081: does the name rube goldberg ring a bell to you? and what does it do af… 1082: Who runs this theater... THE JOKER?? (Photo: theater marquee with two… 1083: *boomhauer voice* that dang fear, man, that's the mindkiller, man 1084: Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary… 1085: being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc wh… 1086: just now realizing that ET was supposed to be an alien. i thought it w… 1087: This has been on Wikipedia for more than a year. (Screenshot of Wikipe… 1088: Whoever designed Microsoft Excel must've been smoking so little we… 1089: Anecdote 1/2: One night, over dinner, I told John Carpenter, how much… 1090: Ah, Beethoven. (Photo of four evenly spaced urinals, the fourth slight… 1091: For years I've been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough mon… 1092: It has taken me 13 years to get 300 followers on Twitter. Here's h… 1093: (guy who caused it) i'm staying out of this 1094: @HaroldLaptop Why are all of our songs about love? Are we birds? Why d… 1095: they say there's only four or five stories and they just get told… 1096: I was impressed by The Batman for a lot of reasons, not the least of w… 1097: CakePCK My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was t… 1098: like to think I lead complex a emotional life but then the sun comes o… 1099: ADHD Comics My brain has two modes: A) 30 hours of work done in 8 hour… 1100: date idea: fight another couple to see how strong your bond really is 1101: ORSON WELLES: This Super Mario, he is the true exemplar of the "h… 1102: someone described my girlfriend's skin as "sun-kissed" r… 1103: Limousine driver getting my food up front while I'm still at the f… 1104: Googled "based". Still not sure but think it's good 1105: crumbster: Hi, hawaiian bread forum newb but i've enjoyed it for y… 1106: Horror is when there's a big spider. Gothic horror is when it emer… 1107: your honor instead of focusing on the crimes my client did maybe we sh… 1108: bro come quick. david just played some kind of secret chord and the Lo… 1109: when a show/movie trailer says "every story has a beginning"… 1110: Radio Shack was smart as hell to transition to shakes. 1111: I am about to see The Batman, which I just learned is 178 minutes long… 1112: I told a friend of mine that I'm nervous about turning 30 and he w… 1113: Being a billionaire must be insane. You can buy new teeth, new skin. A… 1114: Timothy Olyphant Goku: you best leave my boy alone and get outta here… 1115: They should have a restaurant where you can lay down 1116: Something tells me we haven't seen the last of Batman 1117: ok very amused that WINNING TIME is based on a book called "Showt… 1118: guy who doesn't have the cilantro soap gene but wishes he did beca… 1119: Parenthood changes you. My life didn't begin until I had parents. 1120: tonight a 19ish year old in the bar very nicely asked me if I could gi… 1121: "Snap into a Slim Jim" is slang for reading a heavily edited… 1122: Women belong in the kitchen. 08 Mar 21 Burger King @BurgerKingUK If th… 1123: studios in the 90s: alright our summer slate is going to be anchored b… 1124: I've convinced myself that the city in Upstate Gotham is called Go… 1125: Foreplay is just bullying a horny person 1126: What a fucking day. First I burn the toast and now I'm having a st… 1127: BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: What's your name? {trying to be mysterious} I don… 1128: Well hydrated men rarely make history 1129: L + Ratio + Hold up + Clicking on your avi to enlarge it + Whoa + Your… 1130: [son on his wedding day] dad what's the best part of marriage? [th… 1131: Residual checks came in and I just want to thank whoever it was in Fra… 1132: a funny prank Disney keeps playing is finding young directors who won… 1133: Where did Scar's accent come from. Did he study abroad 1134: I just had a great idea! It starts with you leaving. 1135: @ 1136: Timothy Olyphant is the result of giving a +1 to every single Josh Duh… 1137: Me at 17: what if people think I'm stupid Me at 37: they all know… 1138: Hey it was great meeting you! I went to the county clerk's office… 1139: Kirk: Beam me up Scotty Scotty: I will do it later 1140: If the Joker became mayor, all those "push button to walk" t… 1141: What if the phishing link downloaded a virus, but it was a really good… 1142: FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid.… 1143: At a weed store you can say, "I want something to help me sleep t… 1144: i just found out croque monsieur just means "mister crunchy.&quot… 1145: my politics is just wanting to live in a walkable city without being f… 1146: [to a goat] hey man 1147: "I know you from Twitter" - Embarrassing for everyone involv… 1148: (pouring concrete) this goes hard as fuck 1149: columbo is for people who sleep like honk shoo honk shoo but poirot is… 1150: Love Snoopy but if the idea of a dog flying a plane doesn't scare… 1151: No matter how successful it is your Twitter is something you should be… 1152: dreading tomorrow 1153: waiter: do you have any questions about the menu? me: what font is thi… 1154: the actor who plays the "cookie monster" should get more rec… 1155: Emails low key find me well... 1156: I love nothing more than when your instincts are proven absolutely cor… 1157: Saw someone eating a tube of Pringles in the street yesterday. Properl… 1158: belle and sebastian: oouuh the priest and the clown girl had sex in th… 1159: My therapist seems to think I've fallen into the common habit of e… 1160: they should make soup that gets you drunk 1161: Hearing reports that i was 100% wrong and reality is basically the opp… 1162: hey man sorry i didn't text you back for four months. i only look… 1163: hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms 1164: Crypto is just the stock market for people who think superhero movies… 1165: my grief counselor died today but she was so good at her job i don&#39… 1166: Dinner is like a grittier more realistic take on lunch 1167: working on something (Photo of first page of script) FADE IN FROM BLAC… 1168: NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise. Also NYT: Today&#3… 1169: the first mf that lied was probably like Yoooooo00 1170: Rick and Morty is everything 1171: If a croque madame speaks to another croque madame about something oth… 1172: Jsut arranged an 8-count box of pop tarts to be sent to a girls house.… 1173: Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in… 1174: how did Babylonians know Babylon is a name that slap super hard. there… 1175: Another great night with jimmy kennel peace and love JJ #KIMMEL 1176: healthcare is a h... The jerk store called. Their entire business mode… 1177: guys love al pacino in heat. it when hes most fertile 1178: really like this new band "That Movie Madagascar for the Tenth Ti… 1179: every strokes song sounds like the beginning scene of a TV teen movie… 1180: it's really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy 1181: son when i was your age we only had two pokemon. dog and cat. but we m… 1182: I do strongly believe that some movies should only be seen on dvd. wha… 1183: i want what they have so bad (my brain erased) 1184: Adult friendships are hard because everyone is really really tired. 1185: when i die place two personal pans (extra pep) over my eyes... hell wi… 1186: where can i get one of those giant inflatable rats that construction w… 1187: you cant pour gatorade over your life coach not even a little bit 1188: in air bud 2: golden receiver the dog didnt have much football talent.… 1189: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free wi… 1190: I accidentally called my friend's 13 year old daughter Amber inste… 1191: One reason I still have trouble believing crypto currency is money is… 1192: Everyone treats their 30s like their 20s until they suffer The Injury 1193: If only there were a piece of music to describe the feeling of seeing… 1194: Sorry I didn't reply to your email. It is Saturday and you shouldn… 1195: . Neil Young: Keep on rockin' in the free world. Neil Young: Unles… 1196: Wait a minute - seeing a character wear a hat on a hat sounds funny as… 1197: To everybody that's congratulating me right now on my new Kid Rock… 1198: the idea of having tattoos making it harder to get a job is so bizarre… 1199: ... · 19h There was a moose trying to get into the gay bar last night… 1200: i bless the rains down in casta.... 8h finding out that Trump regularl… 1201: Please know, if you're someone who brings a book to the bar... nob… 1202: dentist: so, are you flossing? me: are you using a unique password for… 1203: trust my gut? the thing that can't even handle milk? 1204: was reading about the silent film era and thinking about how silly the… 1205: I love when they turn a beautiful old building into a chain store. Jus… 1206: I hate it when shit is unbeknownst to me 1207: [jay leno in joker makeup] you wanna know how i got these cars 1208: Not Wordle, just the copy of the Great Gatsby from your high school li… 1209: you should be able to call in sad to work 1210: saw the oscar nominations and im crying and throwing up. dont recogniz… 1211: Bob Dylan: I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more Bob Dyl… 1212: CLEOPATRA is on the TV at The Bar and John the Bartender looked up at… 1213: All musicals are about a weird guy coming to your town 1214: i went to jurassic park on a day where everything was fine. no dinosau… 1215: moving is a rare circumstance in which the thing itself might actually… 1216: Haha sorry I was just playing Minority Report with my two friends... t… 1217: Vin Diesel eats two meals a day: 1) Breakfast 2) Breakfurious 1218: "its called soaking, Niles, and I need you to shake the bed like… 1219: Lamfooo What's that mean 1220: the bible is pretty harsh on idol worship given how rare it was back t… 1221: just once i'd like a pregnancy test commercial where the woman scr… 1222: *mean voice* oh so your whole thing is that you're mean? get with… 1223: getting kicked out of a jerry seinfeld live stand-up special for laugh… 1224: I love it when WITCHES make that big soup 1225: Jaws is a timeless masterpiece because it's premised on a raw, pri… 1226: sorry mom, but if U read my posts u would know why I spiked yuor meatl… 1227: My doctor just ran up to me at the grocery store and hit me in the kne… 1228: your son is honestly goated, and was lowkey a pleasure to have in clas… 1229: a man in the dog park with a thick eastern european accent dipped the… 1230: My Tesla got hacked and is doing donuts in my yard, and I can't ge… 1231: hey what's up guys im the new kid here at euphoria high school. wh… 1232: marvel got two kinda of movies, cool ones to watch while you are stone… 1233: Yes, I'm vaccinated, but not "go to your thing" vaccinat… 1234: "Oh hell yes" - Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tal… 1235: there's ANOTHER year? holy shit how many of these things are there 1236: so i bought an already fucked looking garfield toy, but then it showed… 1237: Mother in law asked if I had any wine glasses. yeah I keep them next t… 1238: The show Seinfeld really captures that when you do stand up, your 3 fr… 1239: Aladdin: I can show you the world- me: I'm cold this is boring 1240: Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo… 1241: Nature documentaries are like "in our oceans' depths lie the… 1242: Boss walks past my desk and I pretend to be preoccupied with work by f… 1243: History should not be taught as a series of events. History should be… 1244: neo = one trinity = three and that concludes our intensive three week… 1245: I just accidentally, prematurely sent a work email to a supplier. It w… 1246: @mekanism if that's yo girl then why she building off the point i… 1247: I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's g… 1248: USPS was like "2021 was rough how can we make it better" (Ph… 1249: ... · 17h ... Imao this is sending me Told the joke first Told the jok… 1250: every crew got the silly homie with an air of profound sadness about h… 1251: Noir and screwball comedy always felt like complementary genres to me… 1252: twitter is great because you can say dumb stuff like "a pirate is… 1253: Hollywood releasing a new movie (A man opening presents and holding up… 1254: Whoever says they hate Mondays obviously never heard of pot cookie ome… 1255: you know a guy is super hot when people on here are saying "i act… 1256: This is what a libertarian folk singer puts on his guitar PHOTO: THIS… 1257: duke leto: can any of you tell me what the biggest number is? gurney h… 1258: me: ever heard of quasimodo him: doesn't ring a bell me: i assure… 1259: Check this shit out motherfucker [I slide one foot out from under me a… 1260: I've never read Dante's Inferno, but I imagine it's a lot… 1261: you want universal health care? how spoiled are you. your life is alre… 1262: There's a portrait of Glenn greenwald in his attic that's gett… 1263: shout out to the student who emailed to tell me they needed an extensi… 1264: My bf (historian, published 2 books, basically a public intellectual)… 1265: I think I just came up with America's next hit cooking show. It&#3… 1266: no new years resolutions. it is the circumstances turn to improve 1267: can you imagine being on this plane. I would be so scared (Photo of Sc… 1268: Aw hell nah... They filled up this skate park with water (Photo: a swi… 1269: never keep leftovers that you're not willing to heat in 30 seconds… 1270: Oh the main character is, in some ways, the city itself? That's gr… 1271: Jean Valjean implies the existence of Jorts Valjorts send tweet 1272: there should be "auteurs" but for books . 1273: The last decade has been the Democrats clinging onto the rulebook goin… 1274: the choice to use a lol over a Imao is nuanced, refined. to hahaha? th… 1275: when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word t… 1276: going to in-n-out with a person from california is so funny. very much… 1277: officials should have a second flag they can throw if they see somethi… 1278: Cancel student debt so people can amass gambling debt like adults 1279: who lives in a pineapple under the sea? MI-CHAEL CLAY-TON 1280: [at my first rodeo] WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON 1281: you: this is the lowest spot of the pandemic yet. almost a year of iso… 1282: @lowkyhurt Parents be like "i don't have a favorite child&quo… 1283: Beautiful baby dude. Mom still in the picture? 1284: Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup 1285: I played The Grinch in some mock trial in elementary school and lost t… 1286: youth pastor to diy musician: you know who else only had 12 followers? 1287: we took a group of people who think posting is a joke hobby for morons… 1288: Found something new to say when I leave a room. (Photo of a bag whose… 1289: Levels of debate: - Name-calling - Ad hominem - Responding to tone - C… 1290: Is this what private schools are like? (Water fountain with wedge of l… 1291: "Cure is simple," says the doctor. "Go to the desert. S… 1292: It feels like things got so bad they stopped making Black Mirror. 1293: No more iconic diss track than "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch… 1294: I talk shit about sports talk radio but if you don't listen to it… 1295: banks email like "Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX… 1296: honestly paul nailed his ass with this doodle (Photo of George Harriso… 1297: whenever I see the number 72 or 36 I think "damn these are some o… 1298: every American food was either made because of a.) Prohibition, b.) an… 1299: Why are puzzles so expensive?? Like bitch you are a broken picture. Yo… 1300: hey asshole I'll See you in court...food court !!! We are friends 1301: I got a breast reduction. #comic #garfield Panel 1: Garfield to OP: go… 1302: ... Nov 24 First Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's parent's hous… 1303: it was the combination best of times and worst of times 1304: me at 18: I shall write and direct a film that will change movies fore… 1305: 'Landlords provide housing like scalpers provide concert tickets&#… 1306: welcome to the bathroom 1307: young sheldon may be the grandson of a war criminal but the real contr… 1308: Football movies are a lot like Frankenstein movies, no one's ever… 1309: my dad caught me eating turkey and he made me smoke the whole bird 1310: Met an amazing 50 year old angel last night who thought cancel culture… 1311: Martin Scorsese's biggest flaw is that he's the one fan of The… 1312: im addicted to thinking "i should watch a movie" for two hou… 1313: I love dry cereal it feels like im eating dog food for girls 1314: two seasons of degrassi is considered canadian military service 1315: me and my boyfriend saw u across the bar and actually think ur vibe is… 1316: Human: we have a color named after you! Salmon: really? is it silvery… 1317: Car sauce gettin EXPONSIVE. 1318: Disturbing new survey finds that 30% of workers now expect to not be t… 1319: Guess Who I Saw At The Store (10 Minute Version) (Mom's Version) 1320: thank (clap emoji) you (clap emoji) katie (clap emoji) porter (altered… 1321: the cutest thing a dog can do is go get one of their toys from the bas… 1322: I have a cousin at Quaker Oats and he says Oops! All Berries was no ac… 1323: sorry i'm late shawty i turned the shower on and started chomping… 1324: Nov 11 first time completing a puzzle this shit is easy (Photo of a co… 1325: You ever watch a rich person's expression change when you ask a qu… 1326: if you're a regular at a restaurant just know the staff has an ins… 1327: European food is all about eating a bird that isn't chicken. A sur… 1328: please remember that vampire unions are the ones who fought to give yo… 1329: Obi-Wan Kenobi keeps taking about how the spaceport on Tatooine is the… 1330: Cars have windows and can move. Houses have windows and can't move… 1331: i still can't believe some people think there's a 40s movie ca… 1332: carrying my beautiful bride into our honeymoon suite and then making h… 1333: keep battling those demons (comic) OP: I'M WORTHLESS AND EVERYONE… 1334: me: I can't decide what to have waiter: what about the duck? duck:… 1335: Kieran Culkin is what happens when you stop yearning for height and em… 1336: meanwhile on earth 2, "dr. strange" is called "mr. weir… 1337: im leaving forever. my mom took my phone. ill miss u all sm. im crying… 1338: #WiiU (Photo of Wii U image share note) hello. My mom took my phone an… 1339: I do not know if this is going to tweet | am talking to my fridge what… 1340: #FreeDorothy 1341: Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it's me, i j… 1342: ... . 56s NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… 1343: 911: What's your emergency ME: My dog think he slick 1344: don't tell me his name isn't Frankenstein when his damn GFs na… 1345: it's problematic to go to confession because ur trauma dumping on… 1346: [INT. DUNKIN DONUTS LOCATION - DAY] a CUSTOMER strides confidently thr… 1347: eventually you too will get bored of public vulnerability and become i… 1348: as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or… 1349: long lines at the grocery store. new grocery musta come out 1350: 20 year olds are out here with baby pictures that just look like a cur… 1351: Shakespeare was 457 years old when he sold his first A24 feature. Neve… 1352: My 13 year old cousin asked my boyfriend (who's a teacher) how he… 1353: Inside of you there are two wolves. Inside those wolves, there are thr… 1354: Saw a woman crying at the mall. She told me she just lost $200 so I ga… 1355: I see trees of green Red roses too I see them bloom For me and you And… 1356: "For sale, baby! Shoes! Never worn!" -shoe salesman Austin P… 1357: On this day in history: "None pizza with left beef" was firs… 1358: Just in time for Halloween, 'CATS' has been released on HBO Ma… 1359: i will not post on this fucking website again until they add a filter… 1360: men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and have eye conta… 1361: Going to start using twitter like the old internet. every time before… 1362: My wife and I were talking about Star Wars and I misheard her say &quo… 1363: . 2h A look at #BuildBackBetter (Photo of empty shelves with £ signs n… 1364: *wonka post credits scene* JOE: give me the biggest fucking bed you ha… 1365: just saw someone say NFTs aren't a scam because some people are ma… 1366: Tico My dad just texted me at 2 am to ask if ACAB "includes the g… 1367: @turtlekiosk i havent had a new thought in a month it's all reruns 1368: back in the day if u did a tv show called surf dracula you'd see t… 1369: Never wearing overalls again (Photo: Restaurant receipt with customer… 1370: People claim New York has better bagels than LA but I've been to P… 1371: ... 2h Why I'm leaving the Democratic Party 04 Oct 21. (Link to op… 1372: Asking "Are rich people too rich?" is class warfare and wron… 1373: (whispering to my date as we pass three guys who are roughly the same… 1374: "you're not actually rich if all your money goes to maintaini… 1375: My wife and I saw you from across the bar and we think you look so sle… 1376: The thing people don't get about Boston is that yes: it's wild… 1377: Admitting you have a problem is the first step to making it your whole… 1378: had this argument in a gc but i wanna know the truth. isn't it ver… 1379: Once I sat next to Mick Jagger at a dinner party. I pretended to have… 1380: "What colors are Leonardo and Donatello?" "They are dif… 1381: Johnson United Kingdom government official This is going to be a fanta… 1382: i met a girl on a dating app once and asked for her number and she sen… 1383: I tried to explain to a lifelong tall person that when you're shor… 1384: {handing you a tin can on a string} here's my direct line. Call he… 1385: Two Maras! Two Maras! We love ya, two Maras! You're Rooney but als… 1386: If you soak raisins in redbull you can make energy grapes (a photo of… 1387: you should be able to decline an incoming thought 1388: they hired a fucking dad at my work and hes using up all the obscure d… 1389: doctor at my check up asked me if i had "any feelings of depressi… 1390: the social network should have been called monsters university 1391: The Bard DID really coin every phrase. #Shakespeare SHAKESPEARE QUOTE… 1392: Everyone is always like omg the LOST pilot is so good. And I'm lik… 1393: chess is all luck, no strategy. it all depends on what pieces you get 1394: the night they had the best sex of their lives (Kermit in a miss piggy… 1395: Real friendship means not asking questions when your friend disappears… 1396: As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and mi… 1397: [snail newsroom] "Another slow news day, fellas?" *newsroom… 1398: looking back, one thing Prometheus really got right is that the most h… 1399: [trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce? 1400: Feeling like the titles of Ted Lasso and Cry Macho are interchangeable… 1401: Caveman be like "5 will be my year" 1402: she's a good girl crazy bout alvin loves simon and theodore too 1403: harsh writing advice: dracula is public domain so he should be in what… 1404: "Call Me Maybe" is 10 years old. The popularity of the song… 1405: a cool trick is when somebody tells you "good morning" you c… 1406: "Don't Friend Zone Me Bro" he says as he leans in to giv… 1407: it's not my job to educate myself 1408: Ten years from now you will put on a jacket and find a mask in the poc… 1409: *throws spaghetti on wall, it slides off* Hmmmmm. *drops spaghetti on… 1410: Nature documentaries are true crime shows from the animals' perspe… 1411: (scary guy following me at night) Me: Ok. Stay calm. Statistically you… 1412: Why is there not a Wario version of Peach 1413: A woman at Trader Joe's asked if they still sold a certain kind of… 1414: Stop calling him Paul Thomas Anderson. His name is Paul Neo. 1415: I respect the moon's unwillingness to be photographed on a phone 1416: Gene Shalit bit into the microwaved pizza. "Single slice for a si… 1417: "guy fieri" is Italian for "fireman" 1418: @Hegelbon YHWH: Job I have forsaken thee. JOB [played by Larry David]:… 1419: [1st Day working at Hotel California] Guest: Id like 2 check out Me: S… 1420: pilot: we'll be landing shortly passengers: ok pilot: on the moon… 1421: Get your shot! (Picture of OJ Simpson telling you to get your shot) 1422: Butthole Eyes @Schraepfer86.8/2/21 ✓ You killed your wife stfu Money M… 1423: the book of job was the original episode of a prestige drama about a r… 1424: In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed a measure creating Medicar… 1425: a wedding is a great opportunity for ur whole family go to prom togeth… 1426: imagine writing not one but two massive epic poems so good they're… 1427: huge win in court today. the supreme court has officially ruled in my… 1428: (you, dumb): we should pay workers more (me, has taken econ 101): you… 1429: Dude no come on, no one says that, no one thinks you're a landlubb… 1430: The Boss Baby franchise does not make sense as Babies lack both the ma… 1431: A Jackie Chan fight scene where he's in an Ikea warehouse and he f… 1432: Monster Mash really hits different when you realize the context behind… 1433: an unvaccinated person died (crowd cheers) but they were unvaccinated… 1434: "self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decis… 1435: all the Pixar movies follow the same formula Toy Story - what if toys… 1436: walking around wearing a sandwich board sign that says "Kick my a… 1437: [After leaving Willy Wonka's factory] ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE… 1438: Neo! It's Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Matrix! You know that new so… 1439: whenever I'm sad I think about how my boyfriend thought "anti… 1440: the continuing existence of the VMAs is so weird, it's like if a p… 1441: I love Twitter cause it's like a scavenger hunt. Every day I get t… 1442: "Welcome to the Met Gala, Mr. Cumberbatch." "Met Gala?&… 1443: Miles Klee: is the joker vaccinated? 1444: Don't be afraid, little buddy. We won't hurt you. Come on out… 1445: "brilliant deduction, watson!" ok First off, watson was usin… 1446: Noticing that 19th century presidents' names like Madison and Monr… 1447: mean while, while you were "Gaming ", i tasted 100 different… 1448: DAD: grandma died ME: dam she took an L lol DAD: what ME: whats good f… 1449: theaters should let you smoke if the movie is rated R 1450: . Sep 11 Has anyone done a cartoon yet where it's vaccine 9/11 and… 1451: Time @TanukiMaria peter parker: damn where are we now miles morales: o… 1452: heard a guy answer the question "are you a smoker or non-smoker?&… 1453: they shouldn't have the oscars at the train station. what if a tra… 1454: the only lasting 9/11 memory i have is when the budweiser ad with the… 1455: SCREENWRITING TIP: every movie should end with all the characters tuck… 1456: Jamie "Daddy's Lil Brisket"... ·7/3/20 Jerry: He offered… 1457: "Business school" sounds so made up. It's what a kinderg… 1458: Gilman me, to Jordan Peele, at his house: hey, i'm a big fan. wann… 1459: Tomorrow: 20th anniversary of Nickelback releasing album 'Silver S… 1460: A tweet sent on the @AP_Planner account about Saturday, Sept. 11, bein… 1461: Italy is really nice. Sort of like a knockoff Georgia. They have a kin… 1462: i don't get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always… 1463: I got my vaccine. Against my absolute morality. I couldn't afford… 1464: All of you should have a @FirstnameLastname alt account full of tweets… 1465: (misreading your post about your 3d printer) it's cool that you go… 1466: @sixshottss hope my kids funny bc im not fake laughing in my own house 1467: Taking my husband's last name doesn't mean I'm not a femin… 1468: I mean, you have to, right? (Photo of theater marquee) NOW SHOWING CAN… 1469: ABBA are the only palindromic act to have a palindromic hit (SOS) in a… 1470: I just walked into the kitchen to discover my boyfriend grating cheese… 1471: [cooking eggs] I'm egg pilled [washing hands] I'm soap pilled… 1472: 11h Woman marries man convicted of killing her brother trib.al/K30Kpgb… 1473: uhh didn't you fall in love with martin shrekeli lol Christie Smyt… 1474: "follow this guy he's really funny" the guy: shitting mM… 1475: Time to bring back one of my favorite anecdotes ever: Charles Bukowski… 1476: when I die I want a Steely Dan shirt folded in a triangle like a flag… 1477: I know a trick to turn popcorn seeds into a delicious snack 1478: "this app is free btw" maybe for you. it has cost me everyth… 1479: i hate when people are like "you got the vaccine so i guess you j… 1480: Joe Rogan looks like the middle picture on an Animorphs cover of a guy… 1481: "can you explain this gap in your work history?" it was then… 1482: i log onto twitter dot com and in 10 minutes i'm being diagnosed w… 1483: I just got my first shot and my only side effect was a slight burning… 1484: 18h We are absolutely heartbroken to announce that we must cancel Bonn… 1485: thte international space station is visible from earth at the followin… 1486: < Tattoos should actually make you more employable because it shows… 1487: no matter how hard i try, nothing will be able to top this none of us… 1488: a lot of conspiracy theory stuff is rooted in a desire to impose order… 1489: my barber told me the worst time to be cutting hair besides covid was… 1490: may i compare thee to a sunset its every fuckin day with you 1491: first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order am I do… 1492: (Screenshot of his instagram story with the cucumber and olive sub and… 1493: Imagine the house Garfield could live in if he used Mondays to grind 1494: Ridley Scott's Alien squatting to poop but another smaller butt co… 1495: And then when all hope is lost, who comes down the mountain but the gr… 1496: Jared always looks like he was just crying in his room but then had to… 1497: he has one of the craziest bed times in the game 1498: curse where if you smile it makes the cash register sound . 1499: MARTIN: you boys want some of my horse dewormer? FRASIER (rolling eyes… 1500: After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silentl… 1501: James Corden is the most "worked with the robots to betray the hu… 1502: God gives his silliest battles to his funniest clowns 1503: . 6d if you have worked in food service AND retail which is worse entr… 1504: [gets olympic tickets to 100m butterfly] Oh my god this will be great.… 1505: look, im not saying that martin luther king jr was a gamer. that would… 1506: if I could give any advice to my 8 year old self? stop talking abt how… 1507: I saw a bumper sticker that said "Make tea, not war", and wh… 1508: Scottish people agreeing (The “I am going to create an environment tha… 1509: Just watched the movie where nic cage is a cook who is in love with a… 1510: Shout out to the top 5 ropes in the world, jump, tight, at the end of… 1511: [robot voice] caaaaliforniaaa peeeeeeeete 1512: my son, i must feed my son, how am i going to pick up my son from scho… 1513: Columbo on the stand: well, I gathered absolutely no evidence, but I d… 1514: do you think hannibal lector ever just eats a microwaved foot over the… 1515: Dogs either do nothing all day or they work an 18 hour shift searching… 1516: thinking about shit that i Recognize and smiling 1517: More like Tim Burden. Because of the burden placed on the rational min… 1518: cigarettes are fine if you're a girl wearing a little outfit or a… 1519: Using lyft to sell drugs >>>> Ask Lyft @AskLyft 12h Replyi… 1520: hey man, come through we're at the new brewery in the worst part o… 1521: Mads Mikkelsen Official 8/24/19 Happy birthday, Hideo! (Photo of Mads… 1522: Combining the toxic masculinity of Al Bundy with the sensitive masculi… 1523: ... 1d A San Francisco billionaire is donating $30 million to the Univ… 1524: the fellowship was absurdly stacked with hobbits. would be like if oce… 1525: this may be controversial to some of you, but ratatouille would demoli… 1526: I once tickled Lou Reed. I regretted it for the longest while as he sp… 1527: Tom Arnold Tom Arnold Tom Arnold (I heard that this is how you summon… 1528: Every Michael Mann movie is about a guy who just needs to get through… 1529: Following guy in next stall: bluh huhuh *cough* *spit* my ass: fffffrr… 1530: Come With Vax Proof or Get Shot On-Site: Raiders Set COVID Rules for F… 1531: Lol nice life dude. Does it imitate art 1532: The single most important thing a man can do to be an ally is give his… 1533: Can we stop the posts please guys. Can we all cool it with the gags, r… 1534: "my life is a movie" my life is a short story. I do one bori… 1535: Writing hearing a symphony in your head and when you finally sit down… 1536: Girlfriend's away for the weekend, you know what that means! Time… 1537: marge simpson calls her husband "homie" because he is her fr… 1538: (Photo of the time Ted Cruz’s official twitter account liked a porn tw… 1539: Tell me, Will, (Photo of headline) Are You Getting Migraines Because Y… 1540: nerds keep arguing about which literary dystopia was closest to realit… 1541: I showed dad my BE GAY DO CRIME shirt and he didn't get it and so… 1542: I had a dream where there was a food called "King's Hand&quot… 1543: Why would I argue with an antivaxxer when I can just wait 10:41 AM 8/2… 1544: . 2d If you I haven't had a panic attack in a walk-in freezer i do… 1545: "Katy Perry, please stop," the nun pleaded. Then the nun col… 1546: (Approaching friend who got too high at party) Hey I just want you to… 1547: Cannes giving a 30 minute standing ovation for "Asterix & Obe… 1548: Tweet at 9:40 PM: If you like pizza after the age of 14 you're eit… 1549: have often bragged that I'm immune to poison ivy after getting a r… 1550: had a dream last night that i was on a date with someone from on here… 1551: Staring at the wall becoming extremely pissed that The 14 Fists of McC… 1552: I am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me? 1553: why is it spelled "camouflage" and not BLAKE @BlxkeMW2.6m No… 1554: Hi, I'm billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. I've coming to your f… 1555: [me, in a hurricane]: AHHHH AHHHH FUCK, AHHHHH THE WIND IS KILLING ME… 1556: You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me." Sp… 1557: Workplace diversity training courses be like (photos: two athletes, na… 1558: [jigsaw voice] are you going to eat your pickle 1559: RIP Aunty... the evil you have done in this world is enough... 1560: *sucking on half erect cock* mmmm i love it al dente 1561: no no no you misunderstood. I said "fuck YOUR feelings". MY… 1562: on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones, i bid farewell. i explode in… 1563: i'm a prison guard. when i sleep i go *snorrrrrrrre, mimimimimimi*… 1564: baby (sword for scale) (Photo: a tiny baby next to a gigantic sword) 1565: (eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb 1566: A teenager saw me smoking my pipe and called it a "colonial vape&… 1567: Me: I'll sleep when I'm dead Me when I'm dead: ONE more ep… 1568: trying to flirt with a waitress and accidentally writing my phone numb… 1569: Confident in my ability to properly tennis, I take the court. I smile… 1570: if i got to meet david lynch maybe my first questions would be "h… 1571: Friend: Hey man, where's your stupid gigantic wife with the insane… 1572: What's your favourite Steven Spielberg movie and why? Ben Dreyfuss… 1573: If you go to therapy and it doesn't work that means you "defe… 1574: french horror is like "the skin... an ill- fitting garment for my… 1575: An erotic short story in three acts (Photo of Amazon echo box with the… 1576: Wes Anderson movies are like regular movies that have been ironed. 1577: columbo: now that's funny to me, because you told me you'd nev… 1578: the craziest thing about 9/11 is EVERYONE here experienced it so most… 1579: Tears In Heaven is easier to play if you tune your guitar to BADDAD. 1580: pplease let me join mensa. my IQ is essentially, zero, but i have very… 1581: Just got kicked out of my wife's hard seltzer tasting party in our… 1582: In almost every first draft Seinfeld script there was a scene where Je… 1583: I think a lot of people think the point of sports is that your team wi… 1584: Alexa: remind me to feed the baby (Photo of Alexa reminder) 2:00 Defea… 1585: Hate when a podcast host goes on a tangent then says "sorry the l… 1586: . 28m No! No!! Stanley Bear @stanleygiffiths. 2d Today I helped out at… 1587: This is called "having a job" Lotty Earns @lottyburns You&#3… 1588: Frunk Hunkbunk's (Photo: DUNE title but it looks like DUNC) 1589: "Thanks..." (reads Starbucks employee's name tag) "… 1590: police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call… 1591: my neighbor and I have entered into yet another classic yard sign feud… 1592: ... 5/29/16 I would kill every ape in the world to save one human, bec… 1593: Asked to see the secret menu at McDonald's and they showed me auto… 1594: i found a loophole (Photo of digiorno pizza deliverable via Amazon fre… 1595: Why is Penn so mean to Teller (Photo of Steven seagal where he looks l… 1596: My Grandad is 75 next year, he didnt fight two world wars for this sil… 1597: what if that was some kid's wish 5 KTLA @KTLA 1/22/21 The former C… 1598: lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been s… 1599: So barbaric that this should still be allowed... No conservation laws… 1600: "Tire rotation" yeah ill rotate my tires... by driving my ca… 1601: Don't call me "honey" and expect it to soften the fact t… 1602: If you notice my posts are lame and unfunny and not happening as often… 1603: I feel bad laughing at this but this goose is FADED CBS Los Angeles @C… 1604: USERS: we love twitter but it has problems TWITTER: great we'll fi… 1605: Pigs can't look up. > But I could pick a pig up one night and r… 1606: i want vincent d'onofrio to tilt me like a pig 4:45 PM 4/21/19 1607: DAVID LETTERMAN: /rapping stack of notecards on his desk The Curvy Wif… 1608: Jared Leto is the closest thing we have to Jim Morrison today. A guy w… 1609: . 4h What's one of your weirdest literary encounters? Mine? Once,… 1610: good buddy that keeps bringin... ·6d Manager (thwacking Audi door shut… 1611: Prosecutor: You smoke good, correct? Me: yes. P: fire? Me: No -- reggi… 1612: *air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deod… 1613: I'm filled with joy when I see the "baby on board" sign… 1614: [to the tune of "Eleanor Rigby"] tony soprano new jersey mob… 1615: (hanging out with twitter person irl) - do you follow grungle? - hmmm.… 1616: jack crawford: make room for daddy's special little boy with the b… 1617: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BEES TO MY CAR I SPILLED ALL OVER MY CAR B… 1618: when i was a kid my sister told me that the paper strip thats in the c… 1619: ... . 1d Can you imagine today's youth storming the beaches of Nor… 1620: Best friends off the court, sworn enemies on it. Athletes understand.… 1621: did you know if u step on the gas and the brake at the same time your… 1622: this how the photos be lookin in headlines when a white man kills his… 1623: Britsh mfs gettin jumped be like "unhand me" 1624: If you lie down on the floor in McDonald's you get to meet the man… 1625: Replying to @Joyce Carol Oates .@Joyce Carol Oates thats not the same… 1626: star wars fan: [crying] you cant keep doing this george lucas: now thi… 1627: The average person can only name one vampire 1628: ... 30 Mar 20: So churches are not essential... but abortion clinics A… 1629: The love shack / Is a liminal space where / We can't leave or ente… 1630: Mar 23, 2018 20-something in 1958: why it sure is swell that even tho… 1631: In my humble opinion, the weekend has begun 1632: CLAIRE'S KNEE (1970) Cinematography by Néstor Almendros Directed b… 1633: Starship Troopers is the only sf movie to correctly predict how incred… 1634: My and my friends love to pass around a plate of pastel-colored macaro… 1635: i put years of hard work into getting my torture degree at torture col… 1636: Me in Hell: i *like this. i enjoy suffering, it rocks atually Satan [e… 1637: we are the sons of the drunk drivers you couldn't pull over 1638: (Brontosaurus enters salad bar) Manager: oh hell no!!!!!!! 1639: Shout out to the top 5 fives in the world, gimme, high, Nine to, Slaug… 1640: how do astronauts not cry all the time from being scared 1641: My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to importa… 1642: Over a year ago, I threatened you out of anger over the death of a los… 1643: I love that David Lynch's origin story is just that he lived in Ph… 1644: Still my favourite journalistic line ever. CNN reports that, according… 1645: Captain: I'm really nervous about giving this speech. Sun, rubbing… 1646: In Zack Snyder's Justice League, Superman goes crazy and Batman ca… 1647: looking at the data and simply laughing 1648: my francophone friend was just trying to recall the word nostalgia and… 1649: they should make a Cheerios that's bad for your heart 1650: dudes will read MALCOLM GLADWELL but won't make their GAL CUM MAD… 1651: @MiCocina_TexMex My wife, date night after 3+ months locked up on quar… 1652: bae are u ok? u not acting like the romanticized version of u in my he… 1653: I dated a 5'8 guy who'd taunt every jacked, 6'3 bro he met… 1654: the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holl… 1655: Norm was a fixture in the fictional Boston bar Cheers. But in this rea… 1656: my body: something hurts. me: oh no! what's wrong? my body: it&#39… 1657: I had to see it, now so do you (side by side the criterion for seven s… 1658: "Aaand the blonde lady's comforting herself with her fingers,… 1659: when george h.w. bush was naming george w. bush he was like you can ha… 1660: stocking my shower with 3-in-1 shampoo so men know i'm an ally whe… 1661: Regular person in the Matrix seeing Neo fly around: "Oh there&#39… 1662: cormac mccarthy: The man ate the beans and they were good beans and he… 1663: ME: there is a new type of beer called "Wine" shirtless guy… 1664: please remember that Julius Caesar won't see your jokes but your f… 1665: if it were up to me pregnancy would be caused by a bunch of eggs rushi… 1666: saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what… 1667: Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles 1668: AGE 20: WHY WONT ANYONE FUCK ME // AGE 40: WHY WONT ANYONE LOVE ME //… 1669: no one wants to talk about the layer of onion that's not the peel,… 1670: i (27M) banged the post captain's wife (23F) in the bower, in the… 1671: How will you avenge the hour stolen from you by Daylight Savings Time?… 1672: i come on twitter to talk to myself if you read it that's on you 1673: . 1d Utterly moronic understates it. (Photo of maskless Covid era Whit… 1674: Opinion | I was a lifelong liberal Democrat. Then DoorDash screwed up… 1675: Replying to @Femmefeministe I get the point you're trying to make,… 1676: What's the German word for the perverse joy you feel when a waiter… 1677: I'm watching the matrix and neil and infinity are having sex its s… 1678: Macron authorizes the unfastening of Bernard-Henri Lévy's last shi… 1679: [david lynch in twin peaks voice] they're teenagers coop, lizards… 1680: i just looked up the stats and the number of meaningful relationships… 1681: DJ Khaled says he doesn't perform oral sex, but expects it from hi… 1682: Wall Street 3 delayed because Michael Douglas keeps pronouncing it &qu… 1683: What's something that feels British but isn't? Show this threa… 1684: I never had butter as a kid. Came from a big family, Mom only had marg… 1685: interviewer: what is this gap in your employment history me: do you kn… 1686: Guy who never played sports and started weightlifting at age 29: Yeah… 1687: PEPE LE PEW YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH I FUCKING BREAK YOUR FUCKING FRENC… 1688: [sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book.… 1689: every American conservative is now completely indistinguishable from d… 1690: hey man I just finished reading your novel. the bad news is it sucks a… 1691: .... Feb 11 watched Mulholland Drive and it actually has a pretty stra… 1692: Romeo: guys theres this girl... but I dont think its gonna work out Me… 1693: when i donate my body to science they will be like wow. i do not want… 1694: . Oct 21, 2018 The CDC says only 31% of men and 65% of women wash thei… 1695: Didn't know it was possible to be this mad in one of those hats (T… 1696: LOIS LANE: "Awww, you got a cat!" CLARK KENT: "No, that… 1697: fuck drugs have u ever moo'ed at a cow and had it moo back at u 1698: my friend sent me this pic and it looks like people are lined up to me… 1699: [daft punk voice] fatter, slower, weirder, sadder, 1700: Science cannot explain cars. feed dinosaur juice to a machine and it r… 1701: It me. #Gritty Pittsburgh Peng... lol ok Gritty @GrittyNHL Sleep with… 1702: can't stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they fou… 1703: Here's an idea I have for a reverse bayonet (Photo of a gun on the… 1704: Simon and Garfunkel sitting down to write their first song together: &… 1705: "matt schlapp" is the sound made by two pork chops falling o… 1706: in this house, a PIT BULL can believe in GOD !!! 1707: @allahliker all i ever do on this website is come on here and insult t… 1708: incesto,,,INCESTO,, 1709: I have 21 (technically 29) wives and 172 girlfriends (technically 177)… 1710: hey "nice" manbun haha it fuckin sucks you hipster asshole [… 1711: Super inspired by my visit to Ikea today, really amazing company... my… 1712: tinnitus does not exist. that noise is just me screaming very far away 1713: 141/ I've got to walk our dogs. Be back very shortly. 1714: the whole neigjborhood is outside in the street crazy yelling because… 1715: Perfectly-timed text that I instantly read in Scorsese's voice: (P… 1716: Nothing more confusing than when you and someone you don't respect… 1717: expliaining to wife what the phrase "pussy nexus: beyond pussy&qu… 1718: I'll believe in climate change when freezes over. Dr. Reza Aslan @… 1719: My uncle died and a week later a fat seagull smashed through my screen… 1720: the beach boys got one thing right it sure would be fucking nice 1721: After 4 months of social distancing | feel like Jack in The Shining co… 1722: I want a Safdie Brothers film about the night OJ Simpson tried to rob… 1723: hi, my dick is (what?) my dick is (who?) my dick is chicka chicka real… 1724: this i would understand, at least (news chyron) TRUMP PRAISES DOCTOR W… 1725: Frank Sinatra would have loathed Donald Trump Nancy Sinatra @NancySina… 1726: @SpotifyUK In one sentence, describe what music means to you. branch c… 1727: SO COME ON DOWN TO MECHANICAL RAT PIZZA AND CHILD CASINO (Photo of ani… 1728: I'm just getting started, darling (photo of poster reading) EMMA S… 1729: @Lexialex can you please direct an ep of Wynonna Earp? Lexi Alexander… 1730: doctor: do you have any pain french duck: god i wish 1731: What I remember most about my neighbor who turned out to be serial kil… 1732: [me] I got you a present [him] it looks like you gift wrapped a snake… 1733: dropping your own tweet in the group chat (Willem dafoe posing next to… 1734: some dude has been RTing me for months but wont follow me. pal, its li… 1735: . 3h Make a movie better by adding one letter. Brian Tallerico✔ @Brian… 1736: everybody welcome our surprise celebrity guest!! [the arm from arm &am… 1737: Skydiving? I'll stick to brushing my teeth while I'm expecting… 1738: There are tons of Sheriff's cars but only one sheriff. How do I fi… 1739: SUCK IT DORK 1740: Britain's top secret agent is best- known for slowly and clearly t… 1741: < if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates yo… 1742: I'm so finished with white men's entitlement lately that I&#39… 1743: 2016: Maybe it won't be that bad 2021: the Axe Body Spray Corporat… 1744: Scorsese only makes movies for bros obsessed with the harrowing silenc… 1745: Motto last year: do one thing each day that scares you Motto now: do o… 1746: Nun comes out as a lesbian from beyond the grave nyp.st/2QbZ7TV (Clums… 1747: i can't help but feel somewhat responsible for some of the stuff t… 1748: *shipwrecked diary* Follow Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. M… 1749: therapy - expensive - months to years of hard work - emotionally drain… 1750: Ben Franklin, inventor of racism, died on his chamber pot. His last wo… 1751: Long term Twitter use has only 2 possible outcomes: 1) you become a ov… 1752: [Coffee House] Barista: would you like any milk, half- and-half, or cr… 1753: Hello! I MARGO MARTINDALE 1754: Tarantino showing up in his own movie feels the same as when the light… 1755: A simple way to help you remember how to spell "honey" (a se… 1756: A man, a plan, a canal Dracula 1757: 2d Texan Gina Carano broke barriers in the Star Wars universe: not a p… 1758: Fun fact: in the early days of motoring before cars were designed in w… 1759: the only shot for democrats to unseat trump in 2020 is to run hillary… 1760: if you ate a saxophone, it would be a snacksophone 1761: I'll confess I'd always thought of a "hornets nest"… 1762: "All the King's horses" weren't actual horses trying… 1763: me: Come quick. I see something Lynchian wife: Is it another bug crawl… 1764: driving down the highway at 30mph laying on the horn protecting myself… 1765: there has never been anything more british than a millionaire tory eel… 1766: People who send out foul sexual tweets are weird and probably alone. 1767: on a mission to eat all 50 state birds Amer. Birding Assoc. While we c… 1768: I have letters tattooed on my knuckles. On the right hand i have &quot… 1769: "Grandma it's me. Listen. I'm gay. I love you and hope yo… 1770: Silver... Feb 4 Hey no rush, not like there's a deadly pandemic or… 1771: laughing imaging a gritty Wonka movie just called "Willy" an… 1772: thinking back to 9/11.. i wish i had flipped out more. Wondering how d… 1773: One extremely unappealing trait of mine is getting silently annoyed wh… 1774: a catholic is someone who's addicted to cats 1775: Wonder if there'll ever be another album as amazing as Pet Sounds.… 1776: I really loved your piece this week. But I noticed that even though th… 1777: While many of you are likely yelling "GO PATRIOTS" or "… 1778: 60% of twitter's dna can be traced from that seinfeld episode wher… 1779: I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next… 1780: keeping track of things with the following rhyme: if the Naomi be Klei… 1781: JACKING OFF and committing FRAUD 1782: 55m I just went to a MACDONALD'S and there was no MCFISH on the me… 1783: I watched the hunger games for the first time last night. It was good.… 1784: when you are 34 you are actually 27 but the second you turn 35 you are… 1785: the number one thing you need for a jewel heist is to steal some jewel… 1786: that's sick as hell dog! [later, at veterinarian] "sorry, hel… 1787: i heard there was a secret cord/you plug it in/and you meet the lord C… 1788: if i haven't responded to your text and you've seen me post 50… 1789: ... 4/10/19 Eartha Kitt slapped the f%#! outta me! She thought I was s… 1790: Ayn Rand is useful because she's one of the few thinkers who is co… 1791: ... Why do bash "dead-beat" dads for not being there for the… 1792: My parents bought an AR 15 to defend their rural missouri home from an… 1793: and another thing: im not mad. please dont put in the newspaper that i… 1794: Following Do you know where to find marble conference tables? I'm… 1795: Applebee's Grill + Bar ✪. 5/30/19 Notes of vodka. Hints of fresh l… 1796: TWITTER giabuchi Tweeted: 4m ago sometimes when i work out and it real… 1797: ME: Thanks to the COVID relief check I can pay my rent. Here you go. L… 1798: If they made the Sopranos these days it would be about Tony going to t… 1799: Jen Psaki mocked our service heroes. There is nothing funny about the… 1800: i do not like time warner cable TWC Help @TWC_Help 8/11/13 @PrinceTwee… 1801: The Ferris wheel is the scariest roller coaster because you have to ki… 1802: there's almost something chilling about the character of the Joker… 1803: me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 yea… 1804: oh nothin, i was just buying some ear medication for my sick uncle...… 1805: The bitches set me up. 1806: so it turns out I've been using dog shampoo on my hair for the las… 1807: the gamestop manager flips the lights and heads home for the night. su… 1808: UPDATE: Get ready for a pounding. Some of us could see 8 inches or mor… 1809: Stop saying I'm my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from… 1810: the sopranos is so cool i wish italians were real 1811: . 12/8/14 "So terribly sorry to hear of your ninety and nine prob… 1812: Turning 23 tonight. Lets get this fuckin party started! (A photo that… 1813: Two elderly British ladies greeting each other (photo of two products)… 1814: men's fashion blogs are obsessed with blazers but when you see a g… 1815: cool how when the stock market goes up it helps like 30 people and whe… 1816: [man leans into doorway of WTC bathroom] "Hey, you gotta finish u… 1817: Hi. My girlfriend and I saw you from across the bar and were really di… 1818: The first half of Tim Burton's career are movies that shouldn'… 1819: Jim Gaffigan is currently recovering from using curse words like when… 1820: The teen just called TV shows that only come out once a week "the… 1821: me: "So, Karl Marx, that's basically what the world is like i… 1822: Respect da police comin straight from the citizen/l love cops, protect… 1823: brigaded by the vile trolls again, simply for deliberately provoking t… 1824: BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always BAKER: well ther… 1825: Haha, I just cornered Jackie Chan on some scaffolding. I'm about t… 1826: I have only suffered irony partition failure twice in my life. The fir… 1827: [before google] me: hey do you know if birds dream? stranger: nope me:… 1828: Btw....Ass, Damn and hell are allowed on my page. That's mild, gen… 1829: Finding a lever in the back of my closet. Little do I know it will act… 1830: NPR OBITUARIES Debbie Reynolds Dies, One Day After The Death Of Her Da… 1831: Any Postcards From the Edge fan has to darkly appreciate the thunder s… 1832: (Finding out there's a show called The Tonys) Dis is gonna be good… 1833: Quentin Tarantino always looks like he walked through a car wash. 1834: teens building new species of teen out of every available resource. te… 1835: once again I am being attacked for presenting new ideas 1836: in muppet babies baby animal is raised in the same manner as all the o… 1837: trying to get the girls chat recognized as a hate gruop 1838: Once I was in a club w Prince in LA. When 2am came, he kicked all the… 1839: I'm watching Star Wars and this little pig is everywhere (Photo of… 1840: "I'm on the phone with the studio right now! They want to kno… 1841: siskel: well roger I thought this movie was totally poggers. based fun… 1842: I am so happy Slint are enjoying retirement (Photo of travel insurance… 1843: Sully text: 12 years as of yesterday...Can you believe it? Passenger:… 1844: i give everyone permission to milk my death for personal benefits if i… 1845: Between B*rnie, my ex-wife, the tenant from hell, and general chumpfuc… 1846: Saying "hello, Mr. Pocket" in a Tom Waits voice as I dig for… 1847: DOCTOR: you cant keep doing this to yourself. being The Last True Good… 1848: Libertarianism is astrology for men. 1849: "You look stressed." thanks it's the stress 1850: This should make everyone very, very angry. (Drawing of Charmin bear g… 1851: *takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we'll have… 1852: @reniadeb in england, they don't say i'll kick your ass, they… 1853: . 23h Hey @YouTube, maybe don't put ads before first aid vids? I d… 1854: Lasagna asks the question, "what if pasta were a book" 1855: REPORTER: Mr. President, what's your favorite Wu Tang album? OBAMA… 1856: Last night: Me: Got any homework? Anna: Nah. Me: Whatcha gonna do? Ann… 1857: turning a big dial taht says "Racism" on it and constantly l… 1858: [bartender takes beautiful woman a drink] from the gentlemen across th… 1859: austin powers said some raunchy shit but everyone put up with it cause… 1860: whomever just unfollowed me - show yourself you coward 1861: My wife and i met while we were waiting to complain to the same manage… 1862: my girlfriend just asked me why I still pay rent for my apartment when… 1863: *Werner Herzog voice* The drama lies not in the fact that the child se… 1864: ... 21h Pick 2 to smoke a bowl with gertrude slime @wowpatricia. 1h ma… 1865: Large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking east-… 1866: I'd like 2 apologize Jazz fans that were offended by my tweets. If… 1867: setting up a women only screening of wonder woman where the curtains w… 1868: scrooge: you there boy! what day is it? 5th grader: fuck off scrooge:… 1869: @McJesse What's one thing the 1920s had that the 2020s should brin… 1870: Where words fail. Music speaks. #sundaymotivation (Photo of Steven shr… 1871: guy fieri's spiky hair might seem weird at first, until you realiz… 1872: Happy Legal Guardian of Unspecified Gender Day! 9 VOLT @9_volt_⚫ 25m y… 1873: do not be a stupid ass in my life. do not clownstyle me 1874: Escola 2 years ago, Okay, I'm getting pretty damn sick of being as… 1875: ... in Italy. Janet Gaynor was a liar and a virgin, a deadly combinati… 1876: ... cupcakes, turnovers, and even fudge. I didn't stop eating for… 1877: ... "Thank you, captain obvious," I replied. It got a big la… 1878: "Eww she fuck the weed man for weed"- a bitch that's fuc… 1879: @redsunO21 im so delighted that this creature exists. rat software on… 1880: [approaching Elijah Wood on street] Yo are you the smolboy from that w… 1881: . 2h Take the red pill Ivanka Trump @lvankaTrump. Taken! @lilly_wachow… 1882: kool-aid man sleeps standing-up like a horse 1883: Replying to @UrbanAchievr Conservative: I have been censored for my co… 1884: Today I found out that Danny Elfman is Elton John's Luigi (Two pho… 1885: police > zorro effortlessly parries my attack and executes a rapid… 1886: "horny" has killed more people than all the volcanos on eart… 1887: me: *sliding $10 to bartender* I'll have the usual [bartender give… 1888: Willow said something about Lee Harvey Oswald's 'little cowboy… 1889: Oh you're upset about a thing? Well, would you be mad if the situa… 1890: 14 y/o named Dylan: take the honkpill. Enter clown world. Society is a… 1891: im johnny knoxville and welcome to marwen 1892: 20h Havelock Road in Southall - London's 'Little India' -… 1893: *orson welles voice* knuckles the echidna 1894: who the fuck is scraeming "LOG OFF" at my house. show yourse… 1895: babylon bee headline: 'the lord of the rings just announced their… 1896: [job interview] me: I guess my biggest weakness are questions Intervie… 1897: Running was invented in 1612 by Thomas Running when he tried to walk t… 1898: Covfefe was Matthew mcconaughey in the tesseract trying to tweet Covid… 1899: NIXON: And so if it is good then it "slaps" or "whips&q… 1900: This is actually true of every movie (Poster for a Ring movie) FIRST Y… 1901: twitter is 90% someone imagining a guy, tricking themselves into belie… 1902: im so ruthlessly commited to Dialectics that i am constantly at war wi… 1903: [restaurant] RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg WAITER: one egg? *suspi… 1904: Much to think about. (OP looking pensive) 1905: my boyfriend and i go to Taco Bell. what do you want i ask him. a baja… 1906: the national anthem starts playing and david hogg, in football players… 1907: ... 11/1/20 Wonder if I'll ever meet anyone whose experience of co… 1908: I know I'm sexist because I assume all skeletons are men 1909: Update your lesson plans, we have a new perfect example for Oxford com… 1910: Her: babe can you drop off McDonald's for me? Me: shit I can try (… 1911: (accidentaly fires entire ar15 magazine into my foot & leg with 10… 1912: Me: uh oh someone's under the mistletoe! Raccoon I've cornered… 1913: [being buried alive] murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the… 1914: Hegelbon [at a baseball game] GOD CARESS AMERICA/WHEN YOU MAKE LOVE [c… 1915: I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and wa… 1916: Once before class my friend said to me "time to clean house"… 1917: everyone in Philadelphia eats every meal at gas stations and argues ab… 1918: Walker is a dull last name, a kinda twee first name, and a spree kille… 1919: It's gotta feel insanely good to be a cow and let out a huge moo 1920: Next, on TLC's Lunchbox Wanters RON: Back off, Jim. That box is mi… 1921: Sword's. The only blade known to man 1922: Hello my name is Firstname Bunchofnumbers and i have some incredibly s… 1923: HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HAN… 1924: itll be interesting to see who "hates the cops" when they ge… 1925: Donald Trump and Chris Christie look like rival strip club owners. 1926: Please. Edward Said is my father. Call me Ted Talk. 1927: Law Dog: when I was a kid my dad always talked to me like an adult whi… 1928: Of all the muffins, corn is my favorite. 1929: If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future tr… 1930: (Austin powers sees first plane hit the twin towers) naughty pilot (se… 1931: [burglar gently waking me] you live like this? 1932: wanna see something cool, kid? *opens desk drawer revealing a tiny, bu… 1933: DON DRAPER: "We quiero many things. Family, safety, love. But thi… 1934: ahh yeah here he comes, big double d, r budd dwyer himself, looks like… 1935: hmm well I'd say I'm fiscally conservative but socially very l… 1936: I wake up at 5AM every day, spend 4 grueling hours in my kitchen fixin… 1937: ROBIN: You didn't name everything in the bathroom after you, too,… 1938: [god looking down at the tower of babel] y'all ain't ready for… 1939: If you want to know what it's like to be in your 30s, I just order… 1940: twitter is the place where comedians pretend to be journalists and jou… 1941: Her: Honey, do you think I'm a good cook? Me: Is CHEP a Brambles c… 1942: oh god oh fuck (Screen cap or lock screen notifications) DUOLINGO 08:1… 1943: trying to show off my works to ye mighty but my stone legs are dummy v… 1944: SHOTS!!!!!!! sent via BlackBerry by AT&T 1945: My freshman year roommate sat me down Day 1 and was like "Heads u… 1946: Tbt to Halloween when I went to my friend's house for a grown ups… 1947: babe are you okay??? you've barely touched your sonic limited edit… 1948: Everything happens so much 1949: A while back, Dunkin Donuts used Rob Gronkowski in some ads. But my fr… 1950: how are people out here with no therapy not taking any prescribed or i… 1951: heavy baby bib! heavy baby bib! heavy baby bib! *dentist puts the xray… 1952: SUFJAN: hey bon? BON IVER: (crying) you scared me SUFJAN: (also crying… 1953: Fuck it, I'm having a drink. 17:18 7/31/20. 1954: This isn't how I wanted history to remember you Rudy Giuliani. Par… 1955: Everyone on poker is pissed cause I'm telling them I'm driving… 1956: replace the gendered categories at award shows with an "inherited… 1957: I am so sorry DUNE-STON checks in (photoshop of dunston checks in post… 1958: i'm not racist, but, *cranes neck to see if anyone's around. k… 1959: i've never been to an orgy but i have experienced the free-flowing… 1960: its the weekend baby. youknow what that means. its time to drink preci… 1961: if you grew up as a person you have traits now 1962: Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's ho… 1963: its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. it… 1964: This house is like Santa's Grotto. Takes half an hour 2 switch off… 1965: Every woman I know is a beautiful, under-appreciated bookkeeper with a… 1966: "anyone hear about this new ipad?" [jay leno pauses] "a… 1967: *wears a 3 piece suit made of the super loud sun chips bag material* *… 1968: Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He bro… 1969: doctor: I've written you a prescription here. Follow that and let&… 1970: Every time I get a like it's as if my followers are giving me a hu… 1971: [Lou Reed voice] Heroin, it's [Borat voice] my wife [Lou Reed voic… 1972: [Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ… 1973: ... 22h this edible is taking forever :/ Erras Sega Playstation @dstry… 1974: I got demons. Who doesn't. Ghosts, frattering about. Sometimes I g… 1975: Editor: You get those photos of Elliott Gould and Grover? Photographer… 1976: Stop making new flavors of Diet Coke. The original flavor, chemicals,… 1977: Fun fact: Netflix has a built-in psychopath test! (Screengrab of “skip… 1978: one of the new oreo flavors should be Oreo PM and have melatonin in it 1979: 13h if i was at chernobyl i wouldy stopped it 12 @georgenykov. 13h Bre… 1980: Don't hate The Player, starring Tim Robbins, hate The Game starrin… 1981: In the pyrite community we refer to gold as "fool's pyrite&qu… 1982: If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck t… 1983: Why must a movie be "good"? Is it not enough to sit somewher… 1984: Fun fact: blueberries are the only fruit named after a color utadä @ri… 1985: the bachelor is a bad show but if they made a friendship version where… 1986: we just want our kids to have it easier than we did [kids have it easi… 1987: (film critic after watching a movie that features some neon lighting)… 1988: it is with a heavy heart that i must announce that the celebs are at i… 1989: if I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it's not th… 1990: every elderly couple's love story is like "i threw rocks at y… 1991: . 16m I did this awhile back, but it's fun to ask. What's the… 1992: Women get to smell like real things (vanilla, lavender) but men have t… 1993: Interesting that ActBlue raised an average donation of $30.38. This wo… 1994: soo hungry need to find my wife and head to pf changs 1995: Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous mu… 1996: A guy broke into my car in 2002 and stole a stack of CDs except he lef… 1997: < Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like &qu… 1998: sylvestetr the cat: sufferin succotash! Terry Schiavo was murdered 1999: Chekhov's famous "Chekhov's gun" directive was not i… 2000: Aug 4 If you're on here arguing the definition of "assault we… 2001: Replying to @backhoe_mix you, not on twitter, experiencing the world a… 2002: fancy high end restaurants depressed people (Handshake) eating off of… 2003: The Klingon summer intern writing CNN's chyrons is doing a bang up… 2004: while I respect Dracula's abilities, I can not condone his actions 2005: tattooing which of my opinions are real and which are ironic in case i… 2006: going to start saying, "Wife City" whenever i see an attract… 2007: [arnold schwarzenegger talking to a guy called john] lissen chon, 2008: ratatouille is just martha stewart little 2009: When the jaws open wide and there's more jaws inside, that's a… 2010: 2/ The Moon is probably the most tactically valuable military ground f… 2011: adam driver is the prime example of the one truth in the world, which… 2012: My biggest flaw is probably being from the United States 2013: Im sorry but Bill Burr's accent in star wars implies some sort of… 2014: getting pissed off at the idea of someone going on to wiki pedia and c… 2015: Comics 3h Archie Please stop writing "Archie is a simp" in t… 2016: *watching Popeye* Ohhh shit he's got the spinach 2017: 10 Aug 2018 avenatti running for president is proof that basically no… 2018: If you pay me $50 I'll show up to your funeral but stand really fa… 2019: The menu at IHOP is a challenging postmodern text Introducing our New!… 2020: you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating t… 2021: I'm obsessed with this therapy horse that looks like it has the so… 2022: Just got upset imagining a French guy saying "Ouston, we ave a pr… 2023: get a man who can do both (Crow brandishing knife, crow tucking in sle… 2024: This guy is ready for whatever Disneyland will throw at him (a guy wit… 2025: 14 full rotations later and we can;t tell if we;re untwisting my Balls… 2026: just remember the ABCs of zookeeping: Always Be Cangaroos Will Bite Yo… 2027: I'm sorry but timothee chalamet has strong "walking through C… 2028: HOW DO YOU STOP A TRENDING? 2029: fired for "unleashing rats at work" which is bull shit first… 2030: when you fall asleep on the couch you fall asleep in real life 2031: two garys, locked in an eternal struggle, pursuing each other across t… 2032: Kid Rock: hey, authority (the singer in question standing at the door… 2033: I have a friend that insisted on dressing up like a clown for his fami… 2034: me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me dad… 2035: My kid said there's a funny looking movie on Netflix so I asked hi… 2036: man fuck this heat bro (Driving car with metal steering wheel using ov… 2037: Pain. 2038: [whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears… 2039: +Follow "Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it's 5 Chainz,&q… 2040: This is NOT what America is about. America is about *opens history boo… 2041: doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him Newt Ging… 2042: thinking of inventing a new type of person to get mad at on here. mayb… 2043: the dr points the laser thermometer at my head. i hear a gasp as it re… 2044: Fred and I hit a deer on hiway 136 south of Dyersville. After I pulled… 2045: JOE BUCK: Welcome to the top of the 47th [Sun rises] [Sun keeps gettin… 2046: FRANCE: we're fancy WORLD: ok FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich is our… 2047: was SO cute today, he asked me "dad are clouds candy?" I tol… 2048: Me: [pulling tacos out of the enormous bell which generates them] I ha… 2049: Metallica 1986: here's a song called creeping death, it's abou… 2050: "im not owned! im not owned!!", i continue to insist as i sl… 2051: Passion Pop Socialist 11/14/19 We got a new video baby monitor and I t… 2052: Take a moment to remember #Pearl Harbor with us. (A spaghettio holding… 2053: very interesting The Guardian Eminem criticises non-mask wearers on ne… 2054: *crests a hill* hey dudes 2055: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on… 2056: This sex shit got me honking like a goose 2057: Replying to @_anthonynash @Joseph_Curwehn and @crazykratos10 I bet you… 2058: fly me to the moon let me kick it's fucking ass let me show it wha… 2059: Saw some pigeon detectives down at the lake trying to solve a murder.… 2060: T. S. Eliot.... welcome to the year 2020. I am pleased to say your wor… 2061: me and a bunch of stupid assholes are going to start a community in th… 2062: Jeb Bush: sorry mom 2063: My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Da… 2064: Actually I was only lost in the woods for around 24 hours. I didn'… 2065: Just discovered this stunning short story in my drafts: "I'm… 2066: Talking to my 82 year old mom about all the news of Trump. She interru… 2067: I'm 35 and have not yet received a call to adventure and am starti… 2068: [Deep South tobacco CEO voice] Now ah, this here ah, Bowsuh charactuh.… 2069: All men say "not all men." 2070: (Experiencing history as tragedy) I hope this shit doesn't repeat… 2071: blue jeans… activated 2072: WAITER: fresh-ground pepper? DAVID BROOKS: [to no one] THIS IS NORMAL.… 2073: scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds mulder: *throws her a file… 2074: facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are abou… 2075: barack: good morning michelle my wife michelle: hello obama 2076: I once heard Ska described as "what plays in a 13-year-old kid&#3… 2077: [me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deser… 2078: a rip. a rap. a hamilton brrrap (i start beat boxing and fucking spitt… 2079: welcome to usa. rent is $2500 your paycheck is $600 and heres 100 life… 2080: wife: I am having an affair Follow me: *handing menu back to waiter* I… 2081: Please. My rabbit. He's very sick. (A person holding a large snail… 2082: You: Jon Bon Jovi Me, an intellectual: Jonathan Bonathan Jovi 2083: Me, absolutely twisted, coming home with a load of swords. Me waking u… 2084: Judith Beheading Holofernes - Caravaggio, 1599-1602 (A cat biting the… 2085: [in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luc… 2086: You're allowed to break the law if you're listening to "P… 2087: go ahead. keep screaming "Shut The Fuck Up" at me. it only m… 2088: Support emerging artists! Slit their cocoons! Lick the slime from thei… 2089: "If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." -… 2090: god: i have made Mankind angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey… 2091: .@parisreview So is Paris any good or not 2092: me: any historical figure? wizard: that's right [later at dinner]… 2093: hell yeah benihana up in this bitch (raw chicken being cooked directly… 2094: I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet 2095: neon genesis evangelion is The Sopranos told from AJ's perspective 2096: ARE YOU THE GUY I TELL ABOUT THE CRIMES 2097: well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions 2098: "When you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carr… 2099: My first ad campaign after suffering a massive brain injury (signs tha… 2100: when you think about it beans on toast is just british hummus and pita 2101: What do we want? CLICKBAIT When do we want it? The answer will shock y… 2102: Replying to @DickButt4Prez and @WelpWhyNot *Stefan Molyneux is stupid. 2103: OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made… 2104: For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should… 2105: Politic's is back baby. It's good again. Awoouu (wolf Howl) 2106: Bruce Wayne didn't become Batman until he was 30 It doesn't ma… 2107: these pictures make it look like kushner was just emitting a high- pit… 2108: Having cats is like having ghosts that you have to feed. 2109: ok so I have a follow-up question Charlie J. Johnson is furlough.... 6… 2110: when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it w… 2111: my dude looks like the babadook (Roger stone looking like an Edward Co… 2112: Girlfriend is away for the weekend and I am home alone. Going to cook… 2113: Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names. 2114: will I need this later in the game? Ranch (Photograph of salad dressin… 2115: BIGGEST TWIST ENDINGS 3) fight club 2) the sixth sense 1) the song &qu… 2116: Just realized... Salieri is an old man of local influence, who comes u… 2117: my son just told me that i have a "fixed mindset" and he has… 2118: Why waste taxpayer money on a whole garden of statues when all you nee… 2119: ME: computer; what is my Jeans Number please COMPUTER: your jeans numb… 2120: an oscar the grouch in every trashcan doesn't break the canon that… 2121: now at an age where I leave weird aunt comments on posts like "lo… 2122: We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more extreme nac… 2123: CrossFit is just Fight Club if the first two rules were the opposite. 2124: These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge WHAT THEY… 2125: Following I just read that people born in the 80s are known in hungary… 2126: ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please DUNKIN DONUTS CA… 2127: Can you say your strengths? "Your strengths" No like what ar… 2128: When the moon hits your knees And you mispronounce trees Sycamore 2129: Ed Balls: Ed Balls 2130: seems like a TRULY crazy train wouldn't need to announce "all… 2131: @BigDog Club whats the deal with the 911 shirt. i thought big dog was… 2132: This is the news photo that would make a returning time traveler reali… 2133: When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what yo… 2134: I'm a flat earth absolutist. I don't believe in hills or mount… 2135: I can't be the only one who thinks if the troops wanted to they co… 2136: i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i di… 2137: [with mouth full of Pop Rocks] "A DIVORCE?" 2138: Following ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote's son FOR: thhey… 2139: "Edging" now refers to when you're on the verge of tears… 2140: How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must hav… 2141: Take your husband's last name. Take his first name. Take his socia… 2142: "sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?" &qu… 2143: I send a the calzone into space!! I don't pay a the taxes!! Ohhh!! 2144: date: So what do you do? me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxider… 2145: The Democratic Party defended slavery, started the civil war, and foun… 2146: (insisting on meeting the Zamboni machine at the ice rink) tell him im… 2147: • “Say my name” “Breaking Bad” 2148: Just got back from the centrist rally. Amazing turnout. Thousands of p… 2149: . 7/19/18 BOURDAIN: Alright so tell me what this is. CITIZEN: This is… 2150: it's embarrassing to accidentally send a DM as a tweet but it'… 2151: When you're cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glid… 2152: Haven't been posting cause I've been too present, distracted b… 2153: Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewa… 2154: From the twisted minds behind Dr. Pepper, 2155: Once at church I opened my eyes during Follow prayer and saw Jesus rid… 2156: My mom would wake up early just to cut the crust off my sandwiches for… 2157: Is my life a joke to you rudy betrayed @rudy_betrayed what if your fir… 2158: Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia ope… 2159: I put on a mask and literally within seconds, I am struggling to breat… 2160: TONY: That feel...when bae texts first [everyone mumbling in approval]… 2161: Following What percentage of Paul Sorvino is clams? 2162: user named " beavis_sinatra " has been terrorizing me since… 2163: And what of LBJ's supposed "conversion" from bigot to ci… 2164: Normal Beer: This is a beer. Craft Beer: 3 brothers had an idea. They… 2165: I made queso (a truly terrifying dark brown encrusted burned pot of qu… 2166: "Marisa Tomei" is an anagram for "It's-a me, Mario&… 2167: Nothing. Everything has been smooth sailing. Jesse McLaren @McJesse Wh… 2168: because of your stupid face (photo of guy with stupid face posing smug… 2169: hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally d… 2170: "But doctor... I *am* Baggallini." 2171: ... 4/19/20 V Sunday dinner Cuomo style. Jennifer Rubin "The boyf… 2172: i'm gonna design sex robots with such advanced Al that they still… 2173: "This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn… 2174: "Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Mitt Romney, every time Jar Jar Bink… 2175: i am having a Bloody Mary (photo of Bloody Mary made with spaghettios… 2176: i go absolutely ape shit buck wild when people ask me if i want to run… 2177: Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses… 2178: jordan peele got a seventy million opening out of an original idea....… 2179: If you eat a bunch of spaghetti and wear a sweater to a rap battle you… 2180: most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" be… 2181: "Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about… 2182: McDonald's grilled chicken mcwrap at 250 calories is both a dollar… 2183: November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disg… 2184: [elon musk watching mad max fury road with grimes] grahms, thirs med m… 2185: Dean Norris: sex gifs 2186: q*bert's hell is naturalistic. it could just be a large pyrite dep… 2187: A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his fir… 2188: [sees a teen chewing gum] No need to hog the wad, boy! Mightn't I… 2189: the wise man bowed his head solemnly and spoke: "theres actually… 2190: 90% of professional hockey players look like even if hockey didn't… 2191: Real men don't hit you up late at night demanding photos of your n… 2192: mental illness is like living paycheck to paycheck but with your brain 2193: somebody remind me in seven years not to have kids. DougExeter @DougEx… 2194: I feel like every office has 3 people who do all the work and 15 peopl… 2195: Son said he really wants to see "murder on the polar express,&quo… 2196: i hit the hay all day mother fucker. 24 hour sleep cycle. if you awake… 2197: "Is Wario A Libertarian" - the greatest thread in the histor… 2198: Heard they caught the animal that put the three gashes in every can of… 2199: Elon Musk is days away from going full alt- right and if my 'garba… 2200: it's 1998. you have a nintendo 64 with goldeneye. you just ordered… 2201: obama: *punches me* what is my fursona me: fuck you ass hole obama: *t… 2202: . 4h I promise you that if Bernie isn't the nominee, I will NOT be… 2203: there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one… 2204: Nelson Baby boomers blame millennials for everything BUT WHO PUT CARPE… 2205: guns don't kill people. nothing kills people. people can't die… 2206: Someone pointed out that "oh my god, becky, look at her butt&quot… 2207: Dawkins I hate the neologism "owned" for "scored a vict… 2208: Screamer Jim: I will chop Baby Groot to pieces and fashion him into a… 2209: MIKE D: microphone fiend and my rhymes is EVERY BEASTIE BOY: raw MIKE… 2210: what if you put your fingers in a girls mouth to be sexy and she just… 2211: jail isn’t real, I assure myself as I close my eyes and ram the Hallma… 2212: @LLW902: i got like 10 words in before i realized this was someone spe… 2213: hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obel… 2214: it never occurred to me until now but those are human femur bones he’s… 2215: @Mobute: "I support fat-shaming" says Barney- wearing-a-teen… 2216: same origin story for every tech start up; I went into a store saw som… 2217: While I was KOd, I saw a giant piece of meat screaming Grill me; when… 2218: the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people… 2219: my dad once said do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it… 2220: *event happens* but how does this affect me, the protagonist of realit… 2221: as his name is not biggest bird we are to understand that Sesame Stree… 2222: Antonin Scalia retire bitch 2223: Adrian bott: “I never thought leopards would eat MY face,” sobs woman… 2224: “what’s your name son?” “uhhhhh (looks at cop’s shirt pocket)” [screen… 2225: My son just looked at the television and said, “daddy do you think the… 2226: a teen approached me at the food court and said, I see you wore your c… 2227: my haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full… 2228: Me sowing: haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Me reaping: well this fucking sucks… 2229: Sir Mix-A-Lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does no… 2230: How can I be a misogynist if I live in my MOM’s basement 2231: LA = shitty heaven, NY = fun hell 2232: Mondays are like waking up at the wheel of a speeding car 2233: Guy at the Acme corporation: ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a ro… 2234: now she’s falling asleep and I’m calling a crab (Lead singer of The Ki… 2235: I want to die. 2236: @bobby: (MAN EMOJI) guys, i need to get something off my chest. in 200… 2237: Jimmy Carter has spent nearly the last 40 years of his life doing mini… 2238: another day volunteering at the Betsy Ross museum. Everybody keeps ask… 2239: [watching the Trump movie with my future kids] Me: oh weird they combi… 2240: Dolly Parton writing “I will always love you“ and “Jolene“ in the same… 2241: Bad news: according to my sources, the guy who came up with “I identif… 2242: The most intensely challenging daunting role that any character can pl… 2243: I became radicalized when I was in fourth grade and I took a science t… 2244: wheat thins? Call me when they’re wheat THICKS! Gimme that wheat! 2245: Ken Klippenstein: What's it like to have a brain made of jello Jac… 2246: The logical conclusion of the Daniel Craig James Bond movies should be… 2247: Date: so tell me something about yourself Me: I am older than every do… 2248: Took Tim: you may not like hearing it, but this is the correct length… 2249: Hotels: this is a place to relax, unwind, and take it easy Also hotels… 2250: The walking dead takes place in an alternate reality in which no one h… 2251: “If there’s a spicy brown mustard, why not a spicy brown ketchup” The… 2252: Love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it’s… 2253: my coworker saw a crow carrying off of a dead rat and realized it was… 2254: in order to pray well, we need to have the heart of a child Matt Tobey… 2255: pardon me – – with what metal alloy were these oats cut? Steel, you sa… 2256: Jennybuzzfeed: sorry I sang mambo number five at your dad’s funeral 3.… 2257: [mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude that looks exac… 2258: my 13-year-old kid and all her friends are hanging out and calling eac… 2259: me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most t… 2260: I am selling six beautiful extremely ill white horses. They no longer… 2261: A mute is stronger than a block because a block gives them the satisfa… 2262: The whole Internet loves milkshake duck, a lovely duck the drinks milk… 2263: wasn’t prepared for the specificity with which google answered this (g… 2264: tips for beginner cooks: know your ratios! 1/2 cup uncooked rice = 2 c… 2265: dems are going to look themselves in the mirror, take a deep breath, a… 2266: einstürzende louboutin: is [pop star] A feminist? Is MasterCard a quee… 2267: Tafoya: what’s going through your mind right now Lochte: i’ve seen thi… 2268: when I was like 12 I went to the California science center which had a… 2269: Old man: a battle wages inside me, son, between two wolves – one good,… 2270: Hey *thousands of people turn around* Guy who invented names: i HAVE t… 2271: Wow, this extract from Wolff's book is a shocking insight into Tru… 2272: Phil Collins: here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “fat… 2273: sometimes on campus you accidentally walk by a business class and the… 2274: The cop growls “take off those jeans, citizen.” I comply, revealing th… 2275: Your parents in 1996: don’t trust anyone on the Internet Your parents… 2276: so fucking annoyed. Crowd at my last Jedi screening wouldn’t stop chan… 2277: Me: can I buy you a drink Her: I have a boyfriend Me: (counting coins… 2278: SOCIALIST: late capitalism has created a moral rant that pervades our… 2279: q is too high up in the alphabet. I respect it but it has no place bet… 2280: Stephen A: Skip I want to ADDRESS this issue. [Bayless nods] You KNOW… 2281: Nathan Fielder: Out on the town having the time of my life with a bunc… 2282: Lance st. Laurent: when you see this blatant anti-moon propaganda, con… 2283: So long suckers! I Revette my motorcycle and create a huge cloud of sm… 2284: uk rappers be like she suck on my willy it’s quite delightful if I cat… 2285: Batman a billionaire practicing karate on the mentally ill, call it wh… 2286: Richard Dawkins: saw a down and out in Seattle last night. His sign sa… 2287: corporations the day after pride ends (a woman using a blender) see yo… 2288: [wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night [Carrot top in… 2289: Me at 15: the dead Kennedys are right about everything Me at 20: actua… 2290: The movie you like? It’s bad. and the movie you hate? *Chuckling while… 2291: I’m fingering your wife’s pussy you idiot. She loves it, says not to c… 2292: there’s gotta be some surgeon ratatouille thing happening with Ben Car… 2293: they should put him in prison instead of the sexting case. He’s just g… 2294: she just having a little sex bro, she gonna text you back no worries 2295: Carrie, you are the worst fucking spy on the planet, Jesus Christ (Ca… 2296: To tune of Eleanor rigby: Dog in a trenchcoat getting promoted at work… 2297: Nasa employee: oh hey you are back early Astronaut: moon’s haunted NAS… 2298: please join me in eating 100 bags of Romain lettuce if you are sick of… 2299: Conservatives: let’s round up Muslims and put them in camps Liberals:… 2300: [bad Italian accent] kanyewest: I will never make a diss record 2301: since “The Slap” normal parties have become so exciting. Am I going to… 2302: (shaking my head and chuckling to myself) only in New York. New York C… 2303: deciding which of me and my four friends are which ninja turtle. One o… 2304: if your grave doesn’t say rest in peace on it you were automatically d… 2305: I am wiser than this man, he fancies he knows some thing, although he… 2306: hey “nice” manbun haha it fuckin sucks you hipster asshole [he turns a… 2307: sometimes I think I could never write a movie and then I remember that… 2308: [boston goth] you’re gawd damn right I’m a fackin’ gawth 2309: (David Attenborough voice) the sun is out and so too are the guns 2310: The year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one ma… 2311: it’s weird how the people who starred in Bram Stoker‘s Dracula have al… 2312: The opening of sympathy for the Devil takes on a lighter tone if you i… 2313: so that’s how it’s pronounced TMZ: XXXtentacion pronounced dead 2314: every day on Twitter there is one main character. The goal is to never… 2315: I ordered a bunch of sardines in bulk and my kids found them and start… 2316: if unemployment exceeds 30% and distrust of the political process beco… 2317: Stephen A. Smith: TAke a look, y’all: IMG_4346.jpeg 2318: (Gets pulled over) Cop: do you know how fast you were growing? Me: off… 2319: if I was in Afghanistan I would’ve stopped isis Dan Crenshaw: I was a… 2320: you can have a soul or a soul patch but not both 2321: This is a joke from very early Twitter, from 2013, at which point I be… 2322: Mike primavera: my neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor ca… 2323: The wine imparts a foreign bitterness. How could you betray me? We wer… 2324: asia murphy: I still don’t get bitcoin theophite: imagine if keeping y… 2325: How couples argue today: Wife: cool how there’s four mustard’s in the… 2326: is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat cane an… 2327: if you reply to some thing I retweeted and insist on including me in t… 2328: (picture of corgi next to tiny decorative pond, looking first happy an… 2329: drunk driving may kill a lot of people but it also helps a lot of peop… 2330: outstanding afternoon. “I’ve often said there’s nothing better for the… 2331: are you even trying to solve the case if you don’t shower with one han… 2332: Guy who has only seen The Boss baby, watching his second movie: gettin… 2333: All the / smol things / cat paws / toe beans 2334: According to most health insurance companies teeth are luxury bones th… 2335: well, I’d like to see old Donnie Trump wriggle his way out of THIS jam… 2336: [A bunch of borzoi dogs looking up in the air at some thing] the dogs… 2337: Brennan Lee Mulligan: hey gang, Ozymandias here, thanks as always for… 2338: four months ago I quietly left 57 DVDs of Click at my parents house an… 2339: Twitter is wild because the dumbest people are like mayhaps you have s… 2340: (wrestler who looks eerily like Frasier Crane) niles this is the worst… 2341: sing this to the tune of old McDonald: I’m so stressed that sunlight h… 2342: (picture of George W. Bush holding a baby dressed like an astronaut) h… 2343: I sent youse two to whack that freaking guy and instead youse screwed… 2344: OK. Obama admitted he lied to pass Obamacare. Sort of apologized. How… 2345: (picture of beautiful young woman with caption “19 haircuts for older… 2346: if the zoo bans me for hollering at the animals I will face god and wa… 2347: my “not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot… 2348: if I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die 2349: me, Lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out… 2350: a poll reading “are you happy your mom didn’t abort you?” 31% yes 69%… 2351: when I was younger I thought cops were legally allowed to commit crime… 2352: hi grandma? Can you come pick me up from my rap battle? It’s over. No,… 2353: i’m sorry Ms Jackson ooooooo I am for eels never meant to make your da… 2354: Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Candles $3600 Utility $150 Someone who i… 2355: Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud b… 2356: you never know when or where inspiration will strike (An Image from a… 2357: “Anybody here named Jeff?” Jeff: “Yes” Geoff: “Yeos” 2358: for exposing the Manti Te’o fiasco Deadspin: @realdonaldtrump go fuck… 2359: [macron hits me with a phone book] you will respect the French Me [tie… 2360: P.F. Chang’s waiter: [recites specials] Stephen A. Smith: (acts surpri… 2361: wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish, quick, pee on it Me: [peeing on… 2362: Jon Chait: Medical types, just got this injury, go to ER or just home… 2363: what is BOFA Chris: bofa deez commie nutz moist boi 2364: Genie: please no Millipede: more legs 2365: pitchfork: king pu$$y eater revolutionizes our perception of bodies an… 2366: Who is the oldest person you’d fuck here’s my answer (Alan Alda, 82) S… 2367: [dentist waiting room] Me: (chanting) teeth, teeth Other patients: tee… 2368: an annoyed looking dog wearing eyeglasses at a sewing machine saying,… 2369: (a sign in a store that says) Jelly Baby needs Jelly 2370: ganstaaaaaaaaaas what’s up guys (seb gorka and McLovin juxtaposed wear… 2371: Me: can you dust my wets Server: you can just ask for Parmesan cheese… 2372: The Perfect tweet, only 270 characters to log: your mom asks, and what… 2373: sorry but I love this badly phrased memorial bench so much: “in loving… 2374: hello sir I *briefcase Full of jellybeans falls open* 2375: auto correct kept changing Karl Marx to T.J. Maxx in my essay about T.…